Getting Lice In Elementary School Was The Equivalent To Getting AIDS As An Adult

Last night, I produced some of my finest work. I’ve come to realize that my brain operates in ways that others simply don’t. More often than not, this is a curse rather than a gift. However, when it comes to making extreme comparisons, I am, without a doubt, second to none.

Take, for example, the tweet I sent out last night: I compared getting lice in elementary school to contracting AIDS as an adult. At first, based on the initial replies, I assumed the backlash stemmed from a grammatical issue—perhaps my use of "was" instead of "is." But as Brandon Walker pointed out, the outrage had nothing to do with my grammar and everything to do with the comparison itself. Apparently, some people found it insane to compare lice with AIDS. But if that’s the issue, then there’s nothing wrong with the tweet at all. In fact, to make sure I wasn’t completely insane, I even ran it by ChatGPT. Was it an extreme comparison? Absolutely. But that was the point.

Think about it: In elementary school, no one is worried about STD's. AIDS, HIV, herpes, chlamydia, and the other countless STDs simply aren’t on a child’s radar. What is? Lice. Lice is the childhood AIDS. The ultimate elementary school scarlet letter. People seem to forget just how nerve-wracking lice check day was— hundreds of kids lined up in an auditorium, each waiting their turn to have their scalp inspected in front of their peers. The mere possibility of being pulled aside and sent home with a special medicated shampoo was terrifying. It wasn’t just about the inconvenience; it was about the shame. The humiliation of being labeled as the “lice kid” was a burden no child wanted to bear. It was, in a very real way, the elementary school equivalent of an AIDS diagnosis.

Fortunately, I never had to experience being exiled for a lice or an AIDS diagnosis. But I vividly remember how those who did contract lice were treated. For weeks, if not longer, they were outcasted, avoided, and whispered about. Other kids hesitated to sit near them, touch their belongings, or even stand too close in line. It didn’t matter that lice was easily treatable; the stigma was enough to alter someone’s elementary school reputation permanently.

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Now, as a 25-year-old adult, I can acknowledge how absurd it was to alienate classmates over a few tiny bugs in their hair.  But that’s the thing about childhood—perspective is limited. At that age, the stakes feel much higher than they actually are.

So, do I stand by my take? Absolutely. Because when you’re a kid, lice is AIDS. And I’ll die on that hill.