No Fucking Way: Jurickson Profar Has Been Suspended 80 Games for Violating MLB's PED Policy Just Days Into His Braves Tenure

I'm going to fucking kill myself.

The Braves made precisely one move of note this offseason and it was bringing in Jurickson Profar, who was supposed to be the bat Atlanta could insert at the top of the lineup to compliment Ronald Acuña Jr. and hopefully get the offense back to what it looked like in 2023 rather than the dismal group that showed up last year. And we didn't even make it to April 1 before this guy got popped for something called Human Chorionic Gonadotropin and is now out for three months — plus the playoffs, as mandated by MLB's PED policy.

I should also mention the Braves have started the season 0-4 and haven't scored a run in their last two games.

I guess we made a deal with the devil to go on that incredible run in 2021 and win the World Series and I'd absolutely sign up for whatever that cost 11 times out of 10, I just need to know how long the dark times are going to last. Just tell me how long my sentence in purgatory is so I can get an idea of what I'm looking at.

Atlanta needs to do everything possible to void Profar's contract and get rid of him as soon as possible. Fuck this asshole, we'll see if Jarred Kelenic can figure it out.

This seemed like one of the best signings of the offseason and it turns out it's actually one of the worst of all-time. Perfect.