Picking Up Girls at The Bar is Like Recruiting in College Football

You can say whatever you want about Nicky Smokes, but when it comes to running the streets, he’s the Nick Saban of the game. I’ve been at this for a while now and had what some might call an iconic career. But, unfortunately for the single ladies of Chicago, I still haven’t hit my prime. And now that I’m shredded as hell with a fresh new hairline, I’m about to reach previously unseen levels of insufferability. However, I’m not here to toot my own horn—I’m here to share my game. Picking up women at bars, in many ways, is just like college football recruiting.

Let’s break it down.

5-Stars

Even if you don’t watch football, you know that anything with five stars is top-tier and, usually, expensive. Back home in South Florida, the hotter the girl, the higher the cost—that’s just how it goes. And while recruiting five-stars in Chicago is a bit easier, they’re still more expensive than other prospects. In today’s world, you have to pay 18-year-olds millions just to get them on campus. Similarly, you’ll need to invest in dinner, drinks, or whatever makes her faucet drip before you can tour her “campus.” Two different games, but the strategy’s the same.

4-Stars

Don’t underestimate a four-star prospect—they’re just a notch below the top, but they can still lead you to a national championship. While they may not be as expensive as five-stars, they still come at a price. Just like recruiting in football, you’ll need to charm not just the prospect but also her “family” (aka her friends you’re not interested in) to make sure they don’t interfere with sealing the deal.

3-Stars

This is where championships are won. You can’t take home the title without depth on your roster. The best part? They’ll only cost you a bucket of Miller’s. If you don’t have fresh legs in your rotation, your team’s going to fall apart when it matters most. In my opinion, this is the most crucial part of recruiting. Plus, 3-stars have room for improvement—they can develop into blue-chip prospects over time.

2-Stars and 1-Stars

Just send them an offer. They’re mainly looking for an IG story post about committing to a “program.” If you’re having an off day and can’t get any higher prospects, toss a scholarship to a one- or two-star. At least you’ll have something on the board.

Walk-Ons

You’ll have to show me something if you want to play for this program! I need to see you hit someone on the scout team like you’re prime Ray Lewis. If you can’t make me feel it in my chest, you’re not getting playing time. Simple as that.