It's War: CJ Gardner-Johnson Took a Shot at Taylor Swift for Not Being 'Thick' Enough, So the Swifties are Firing Back With Review Bombs of His Mom's Restaurant

Patrick Smith. Getty Images.

Cooper DeJean deservedly got all the headlines, but CJ Gardner-Johnson had a Super Bowl to be proud of as well. He played all but four of the Eagles' defensive snaps. Was targeted just once (a 24-yard reception by Xavier Worthy), and added three solo tackles. And along with his teammates, Gardner-Johnson spared the world from having to listen to any more GOAT talk for another 5-10 years, at least:

As the quote often attributed to Winston Churchill puts it, "History is written by the victors." And as Smitty has pointed out a couple of times, Gardner-Johnson is one who's going to talk any chance he gets:

So now that he is, in fact, one of the victors, CJGJ wasn't about to pass on the opportunity to write history in the least Churchillian way imaginable. But going after one of his vanquished opponents for … dating someone with … um … a small ass? I guess? 

Yup. There's no other way to interpret this. As if Travis Kelce didn't have enough emotional shrapnel to pull out of his wounds already:

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Now he's got to deal with a defensive back criticizing his girlfriend for having an insufficiently large bottom. Will his suffering never end?

Fortunately for Kelce, he doesn't have to respond to this insult. It's one thing for a victor to start writing the history. But it's another thing entirely when the other side has still a standing army. One that hasn't been defeated. That numbers in the hundreds of millions. On every continent around the globe. That remains fiercely loyal to their Queen. And who are willing to lay down their lives to defend her. 

What I'm getting at is that CJ Gardner-Johnson made a very powerful enemy when he decided to pick on Taylor Swift's backside:

Vengeance, thy name is Swifties. 

All of these 1-star reviews within an hour of each other. Presumably all with girls' names. Too many to have actually have eaten at King's Grill in Rockledge, FL. Some going so far as to accuse CJ's mom of risking customers' lives with raw chicken. Poor Mother Gardner-Johnson (I don't know her last name) collateral damage in a fight her son started. A non-combatant wounded in a much larger war she has no stake in. 

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We can all be genuinely sad for CJGJ's mom, who does not deserve this. She's a just a business owner trying to run a restaurant in a time when eggs are worth their weight in gold. But it was her son who drew first blood. He had to make his little joke without considering the consequences. He just had to make fun of Taylor's um, slender … behind without thinking it through. When he should've known the monkeys would come flying out of the witch's castle to rip the stuffing out of the people he loves. He brought this shit on himself. 

Let this be a lesson to anyone who wants to start a fight with the most powerful woman in the world. And I hope the chuckle Gardner-Johnson got was worth possibly destroying his poor mom's life's work. In the words of Shakespeare's Henry V, “His jest shall savour but a shallow wit, when thousands more weep than did laugh it.”