The Master Thieves Charged With Robbing Joe Burrow's House Took Photos of Themselves Wearing His Custom 'JB9' Jewelry

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There's something about a great heist that captures the imagination. Deep down, we admire that crafty thief who lives by his or her own code and outsmarts The Man to get what they want. On some level, we all want to be that person, using our wits and cunning, slipping past elaborate security measures to take some priceless artifact and make it ours. To be one of those classy, elegant master thieves for whom no treasure is safe. Think Danny Ocean. Ethan Hunt. Carmen Sandiego. Catwoman. Whoever Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones were in that one you maybe saw on cable once but can't remember. 

Well rest assured, the people who broke into Joe Burrow's place while the Bengals were playing in Dallas are none of those people:

Because we now find out that, according to law enforcement, they were even dumber than that. Much, much dumber (allegedly):

Source - A federal grand jury in Cincinnati has formally charged three Chilean men who broke into Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow, according to the office of Kenneth L. Parker, United States Attorney of the Southern District of Ohio. 

Jordan Sanchez, 22, Bastian Morales, 23, and Sergio Cabello, 38, were indicted on interstate transportation of stolen property and falsification of records in a federal investigation charges on Feb. 3 in US District Court. …

“Our investigation remains ongoing as these individuals seem to be the alleged tip of the iceberg of South American Theft Groups committing crimes throughout our district and elsewhere,” Parker said. “We owe it to the victims, whether they are or are not professional athletes, to follow the evidence into these alleged criminal networks and hold the law-breakers accountable. I cannot thank our law enforcement partners enough for their commitment to working together to track down these perpetrators. Today is a day that law enforcement scored and spiked the ball.”

Let me interject here and ask respectfully that LEO's learn to resist the temptation throw in awkward puns and sports metaphors every time they make an arrest like this. Please and thank you. It continues:

According to court documents, authorities were called to Burrow’s house around 8:14 p.m. on Dec. 9 on reports of a burglary.

An associate of the homeowner was dropped off at the house just before 8 p.m. and found that the rooms were “unusually messy” and a primary bedroom window was broken.

Let me jump in here again to clarify this is the "associate of the homeowner":

Gilbert Flores. Getty Images.

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Just doing a little fan service for the readers. You're welcome. Back to the story:

As previously reported by News Center 7, the Ohio State Highway Patrol stopped the car on I-70 in Clark County for a traffic violation.

According to the office, a phone analysis found that Cabello reportedly deleted photos of the stolen items and the back of the victim’s house during the traffic stop with OSHP, ultimately falsifying records in a federal investigation.

One of the photos included a photo of the back of the football players’ house, according to the criminal complaint.

“Additional cell phone analysis revealed other photos of the defendants in southeast Florida days after the burglary with luxury luggage and wearing the stolen jewelry,” the office said.

A photo released by FBI Cincinnati shows one of the men wearing a “JB9″ chain and several designer bags.

According to a criminal complaint, the men are accused of stealing nearly $300,000 worth of designer luggage, glasses, wristwatches and jewelry from Burrow’s house. 

This is the kind of bungling incompetence that gives South American Theft Groups a bad name. We expect better this level of slapdick, amateurish tomfoolery from our criminal underclass. This is the most ham-handed, badly executed robbery of an NFL quarterback by a foreign national since a reporter walked off with Tom Brady's jersey:

But this would be like if that thief, Martin Mauricio Ortega Camberos, was caught driving around with Brady's sweaty, bloody, game-worn jersey with the Super Bowl LI patch. Even that ignoramus with a name like a Three Amigos villain had the common sense to stuff the incriminating evidence away. This Gang Who Couldn't Shoot Straight might as well have walked around wearing shirts that read, "I Pulled a B&E on Joe Burrow's Mansion And I'll Got Was His Custom Made, Self-Identifying Jewelry and $300K of His Other Belongings." 

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I'm not so much angry as I am, well, disappointed. In the words of another fictional thief who knew a thing or two about how to pull off a successful robbery, southwestern Ohio deserves a better class of criminal: