Roger Goodell Is Slowly & Methodically Transforming The NFL Into A Flag Football League

If you haven't been paying attention, the mainstream media (in cahoots with the NFL) has been slowly inundating us with the idea of professional flag football. It all started with the 2023 Pro Bowl, but it really picked up steam when the International Olympic Committee revealed that flag football would be a featured event at the 2028 Summer Olympics. A reveal upon which we learned that the United States already has a #1 ranked flag football team that competes on an international stage. A team led by the 5-foot-7, 140-pound QB Darrell "Housh" Doucette, who's name is begging to be used in conjunction with the word 'douche', and was incensed at the notion that the 2028 Team USA flag football squad would feature the best football players America has to offer. 

Naturally, Darrell The Douche's comments (sorry Darrell it's right there) sparked a heated debate over who actually deserves to represent the United States in the Summer Olympics. On one hand, Housh Doucette and his team of no-name underdogs are the ones who put in the part-time blood, sweat, and tears to get USA to the top of the international flag football rankings that nobody knew existed until last year. They've been the ones on the front lines representing the United States. Boots on the ground growing the game of flag football. And flag football is an entirely different game than tackle football. The field is smaller, the rules are different, there's almost zero physicality. The name of the game is pulling flags, which NFL players have virtually no experience with. The skillset & athletic profile of a great flag footballer is undoubtedly different than that of an NFL player. There's an argument to be made that Team USA Flag Football as currently constructed gives us the best chance at gold in 2028. 

On the other hand... as much work as the flag football guys have done to grow the game... as proudly as they've represented our country in flag football tournaments across the world... there's a reason not a single person was talking about flag football until the idea of NFL players competing became a reality. You can't deny that flag football is a modified version of tackle football. The reason flag football has a platform to begin with is because of the work NFL players do to grow the game of football as a whole. Flag football piggybacks off the success of tackle football. I don't even want to get into the TV ratings aspect of it, but if America has a chance to show off the sport of football at the Summer Olympics, who do we really want to represent us? Who is a better representation of the sport? Housh Doucette or Patrick Mahomes? 

If you ask me, there's one clear and obvious way to decide who should represent the United States in flag football at the Olympics

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Pretty simple right? If the flag football players are really better at flag football, then they should wipe the floor the Patrick Mahomes, Tyreek Hill, Justin Jefferson, Saquon Barkley, etc. Who says no to that challenge?

If anybody should, it's the NFL. Playing one game to decide who represents the United States at the Olympics gives Housh and his boys a massive advantage. If we did send NFL players to the Olympics, they would probably have a year's notice to practice, and learn the intricacies of flag football leading up to the games. Playing on Pro Bowl weekend would be unfair to them if anyone. So some details of the game would have to be worked out, but a "Winner Goes to The Olympics" game between the NFL All-Stars and Team USA Flag Football would be appointment television.

All that sounds pretty intriguing, right? I'd certainly plan my day around watching that. I bet they could sell out an NFL stadium. But if you take a step back and look at the big picture, you'll realize that this is all part of Roger Goodell's plan to kill the sport tackle football once and for all. It's nothing more than the next step in his 18 year (and counting) quest to transform the once violent, hard-nosed sport of American tackle football into a scripted, family friendly episode of Teletubbies. An episode of Teletubbies where Po (the red teletubby) faces some mundane trials and tribulations throughout the season, but inevitably comes out victorious over Dipsy (the green teletubby) every time. Because as much as the fans are clamoring for Tinky Winky and Laa-Laa to finally get over the hump and have their moment in the sun that looks like a baby, Roger Goodell knows that when push comes to shove, Po vs Dipsy gets the best ratings.

Slowly but surely, flag football is being integrated into our culture. We didn't bat an eye when they replaced tackles with flags at the Pro Bowl, because the NFL had already let that game become a complete joke. Now fans are thrilled to have flag football the Olympics, because it's better than no football at all. Not only will everybody be watching flag football in the summer of 2028, but they rolled out the idea in a way that has us begging for NFL players to participate. And per Roger Goodell, soon enough, the NFL will have its own flag football league. Which still won't seem too bad, because it's not directly taking away from the NFL. But mark my words, by the year 2030, when professional flag football is rolling, when roughing the passer penalties in the NFL have become even more unbearable… we'll be one gruesome Joe Theisman-esque injury on Monday Night Football away from serious discussions about putting flags on players. 

It will start with putting flags on quarterbacks. They'll point to players like Tua Tagovailoa. Drooling all over his wheelchair. Incapable of forming coherent sentences. Fingers permanently stuck like that. They'll gradually introduce rules that make playing defense in the NFL next to impossible. A 15-yard "tackle tax" will be added to the end of any play where the ball carrier doesn't go down on his own accord. To be a halfway effective defensive player will cost you half your salary in fines. Tackle football will become insufferable to watch. People will start saying that flag football is actually the better product. Players will grow frustrated and leave the NFL for the National Flag Football League, because at least flag football is a playable sport. The NFL as we know it will become such a joke that eventually they'll eliminate tackling altogether. They'll merge the two organizations, and the NFL's transformation into a flag football league will be complete. 

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It's all fun and games now, but Roger Goodell has football fans exactly where he wants them. "Yeah, football in the Olympics! ", "We want to see Patrick Mahomes play!", "Fuck Douchebag Darrell!"

It's all a part of the plan. So enjoy the NFL while you can. Instead of moping around on Sunday because you're forced to watch yet another Chiefs-Eagles Super Bowl… instead of bitching and moaning when Travis Kelce drops a pass on 3rd & 15 and the Eagles are hit with a roughing the passer penalty because Jalen Carter didn't tell Patrick Mahomes "good effort" after the play… just be thankful we have tackle football on our television at all. We may only have so many seasons of it left.