So After Weeks of Hysteria, the New Jersey Drones Turned Out to Be FAA-Approved for 'Research' or 'Flown by Hobbyists'

Buried in the avalanche of news since Inauguration Day just over a week ago was Trump assuring the public he was going to get to the bottom of the story that gripped America in December. A strange, unexplained phenomena that fell somewhere in the broad spectrum between curiosity, national security crisis, an X-File, and the world coming to an end:

And this afternoon, the White House made good on his promise. And in a lot of ways, it's the worst possible outcome. Not  nuclear Armageddon, chemical warfare, an incursion by a foreign power or our alien overlords announcing their presence before the invasion, but ... disappointment of the highest order. A Nothingburger Royale with Cheese. As crises in New Jersey go, 1/10th of on percent as a big a deal as Saquon Barkley carrying the Eagles to the Super Bowl:

Advertisement

Source - Press secretary Karoline Leavitt shared an update "directly" from President Donald Trump that clarified the origin of the drones, which caused a national stir and captured headlines for weeks late last year. 

"After research and study, the drones that were flying over New Jersey in large numbers were authorized by the FAA for research and various other reasons," Leavitt said. 

In addition to those authorized by the FAA, other drones flown by hobbyists were sighted, and that number increased as curiosity about the phenomenon grew, the White House said. 

"This was not the enemy," Leavitt said. 

After all these years, all the coverups, changing stories, half truths and full-blown lies coming out of Washington on a whole host of unexplained phenomena, it's my default setting to assume I'm being lied to. And Trump is not immune, given the fact he once had Victoria Gotti and Kate Gosselin compete on a show called "Celebrity" Apprentice. 

On the other hand, no one would benefit more from some terrible, earth-shattering, history changing explanation to all this than he would. Think of him what you will, but you cannot deny he's a showman. A Reality TV host to the core of his being. And some dramatic reveal that this was all some cataclysmic event we witnessed would be the best Reality TV plot of all time. Way better than Bret Michaels winning Season 9. 

This drone story reaching a crisis point would play right into his hands. A situation he could blame on the previous administration, while assuring the country he's got it all under control. Simultaneously pinning it on the two politicians he defeated to get reelected and casting himself as the hero. The President Thomas J. Whitmore who inspired a nation, roused the fighting spirit in everyone, and won the day:

Believe me, I'm as disappointed as anyone in the country this was all just a gross overreaction to some nerds checking out the wind conditions or taking aerial footage of the Pine Barrens or whatever it was. Just not as disappointed as Trump had to be. 

All we can hope now is that he makes good on his other promise to declassify the JFK, MLK and RFK assassination files. And if turns out they were each killed by a lone gunman and there was no coverup in any of their investigations, I don't know if any of us will be able to handle it. We'll never be able to get a decent conspiracy theory off the ground ever again. 

But I guess all this means that New Jersey is fine and in no danger whatsoever. Which to this Masshole might be the biggest disappointment of all.