The Invitation Says "BYOCake"?
(the cake in the thumbnail says "Impeach" as it gets swallowed by a peach)
In this day and age… An age where eggs are selling for $9 a dozen… If you're a parent of young kids and have limited finances, I assume you often have to say "No" a LOT more often than saying "Yes" when those expensive little pricks want something. And although I am a big fan of teaching kids the "N-word", I also know how much kids love (and sometimes deserve) annoying birthday parties filled with terrible food.
So before you tell young Joey or Jill that you cannot swing a birthday bash this year, know that at least one American company is stepping up to the plate to help out.
Yesterday, after exiting the vulvic Lincoln Tunnel and entering the scenic New Jersey Turnpike, I noticed a billboard that was advertising Chuck E. Cheese's new promotion where your kid and 5 of his/her friends can celebrate a birthday for only $99.
Here are the details…
So, for a limited time (I guess), you can give your child a Chuck E. Cheese Birthday Party with five friends. It includes 2 hours of gameplay, unlimited soft drinks, and the not-very-famous Chuck E. Cheese "birthday experience"… I threw in the "not-very-famous" description of their birthday experience because I have been to a handful of kids' parties there (before I started making a little dough) and the only things I remember are the cardboard-and-ketchup pizzas and the occasional lice outbreak. Perhaps the most memorable part of the experience in the opinion of CEC's management is that creepy animatronic band, but not-so-recent advances in artificial intelligence and video game technology have made those tattered troubadour teddy bears about as inviting as flying middle seat in coach.
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Still, Chuck's recent drop in party pricing is giving hard-working Americans an affordable option for giving their kids Coxsackie on their birthdays, and can you really put a price on that?
Shutterstock Images.The answer is "Yes." And that price is $99 for at least 6 cases of an airborne illness that didn't originate in some lab, but instead originated from that one filthy kid who sneezed all over the knock-hockey paddles.
If you'd like to add other options to your party package… Perhaps their diarrhea-inducing "pizza" or a personalized sheet cake from Costco… It'll cost you a little more. And Chuck E. Cheese ain't no fool, so their legal department included the following fine print…
Legitimate birthday parties only.
One party per household per day.
Multiple booked parties on the same day are subject to cancellation without notice or upon arrival.
So if you think you and 5 of your drunken buddies can each throw $16.67 into a hat to enjoy 2 hours of unlimited Space Invaders then one of you better have a fucking birth certificate saying it's his real birthday, and you better not try to throw more than one of these parties on the same day because the other House of Mouse can cancel your ass with little to no advanced warning.
Other than that, Happy Birthday, load up on the antibiotics, and enjoy the Whack-A-Mole.
Take a report.
-Large
Eat this before Chuck E. Cheese…
TAR
-L