I Am Now A Four Time Reality Show Loser
First thing's first - I'm so fucking glad this is over. I will get to the gameplay of this season of Surviving Barstool eventually, but I need to first explain how we got here with a lot of self hate and a small pity party. Skip this blog all together if you're not into that.
If you know me in real life, or if you've been following me long enough to understand my tone/jokes online, you know that I'm the most insecure person on the planet. There is NOBODY on earth who hates me, more than me. That's why I started being snarky and "full of myself" online - because it's so absurd, such a departure from my actual personality that it seemed so obvious to me that I was being sarcastic. Over the top rant videos, self indulgent photos, over exaggerating EVERYTHING I said and did. Twitter was my bread and butter, my favorite app of all time, and perfect for what I was doing. It took 15 years to curate the audience I have to truly understand my cadence and in January 2024, I was on top of the world. Respect at work, respect online, my personal life was better than ever. I remember legitimately fist pumping in my apartment about how perfect everything was (LOSER). Finally, I was doing what I wanted, people understood me - they knew I wasn't actually an asshole, and laughed along with me. Embarrassingly, it gave me a great sense of worth.
Of course, everything that I had ever said or worked towards in terms of public perception was undone overnight, and when you are very seriously being presented as an asshole, to a hoard of people who don't know anything about you or your life - you're going to look like an asshole. Nothing worked to try and turn it around. Even when I'm being nice and genuine, people assume that I'm not. Anger didn't work. Crying didn't work. Showing my belly and literally waving the white flag didn't work. From that point forward, every single day, nonstop, I have been getting absolutely bodied online. Every tweet, every instagram, every tiktok, every youtube video - nowhere is safe. Being online at all definitely comes with a certain level of trolling and hate, but the last year of my life is unlike anything I've EVER experienced. The words used, the anger behind them, the purposeful public humiliation, harassment, trolls doxxing my address and phone number, the creepy texts I still get from strangers - constant. A full calendar year of it. I've thought about quitting (both this job and living life) more times than I'd like to admit. If you see enough hate, you really start to believe it about yourself. The sheer quantity of it all - surely they must be right if this many people think this way? Being misunderstood and not being able to explain my way out of it is the #1 thing that always has, and always will, put me over the edge. Which is why, after this season of Surviving Barstool started airing and the mob has been stirred back up again, I feel like I'm right back in that dark fucking place where I'm screaming, and no one can hear me. It's truly torture.
"Fuck you bitch, always playing the victim, why do a reality show then if you can't handle it? Why be online if you're too weak to deal with a couple of trolls? You chose this!"
No. I did not choose to be harassed 24/7/365. I'm not a celebrity, I don't have piles of money to go cry on and a superstar career or talent I can throw my angst into. I'm a glorified influencer with Dave Portnoy's phone number. I like Taylor Swift, Harry Potter, and Reality TV. When Barstool finally hired me full time, I immediately went into filming season 1 of Surviving Barstool (January 2021) because it was an awesome, exciting opportunity at the company I had been dying to work at for a decade. I played a great game, came out of it with some respect, but ultimately lost (4th place.) Doing the game itself was hard mentally, but it felt worth it. I came out looking like a memory queen, a puzzle queen, and I felt badass. The response online was good, and I was interested in trying again on the second reality show Barstool put on, Barstool vs America (June 2021). What do ya know, I lost that one too. I didn't think I would win because I was physically weak, but I knew I could provide entertainment in letting my emotions run wild - you know, like how every single reality show goes. I can cry on a dime. I love to get riled up over nothing. I'm always entertained by villains, why not try and be one! People gave me a little bit of shit but again, the overall response was "entertaining." That's all I wanted.
BvA Season 2 (April 2022) rolled around and I was asked back. I almost said no because truthfully, I didn't think I was in a good spot mentally, but I said yes anyway. I think at the time, I thought I'd have too much FOMO (LOL.) By the end of filming, I was a mess. Crying nonstop, yelling at everyone - I told them I was done doing these shows. Clearly I couldn't handle it. Too competitive, can't get out of the game, caring way too much about the edit afterwards and this never ending need to provide context that would help the perception of me. ANYTHING to prove that I was playing hard, cared a lot, and just wanted to do my best. I unofficially retired, skipped out on both Most Dangerous Gameshow seasons (thank god) and knew it would take something big to get me back in the Barstool Reality TV game.
Plans of Season 4 of Surviving Barstool started floating around and I thought....this could be my chance to at LEAST bring myself back to zero. Let people see me trying, working hard, win some challenges, be on screen with all of the most popular people at Barstool, doing something I knew I was really good at - being a freak on TV. I trusted that because I had agreed to be vulnerable and outlandish so many times before, the producers and editors would portray me as best they could. Boy, was I wrong on that one! Somebody didn't get the memo that I needed a good edit or else I'd want to kill myself!
Everything I'm about to say is borderline humiliating based on how I looked on this season of the show. Holy shit. I look pathetic, aloof, dumb, overly emotional - extremely hateable and useless. In reality, I prepared by watching 4 seasons of real Survivor, I started working out so I wouldn't be so weak, I did puzzle/memory challenges constantly, I stopped vaping (lol), started smoking less weed - I was in it to fucking win it, especially after so many losses. I didn't care about the money, I wanted to prove to everyone and myself that I could do something good. I was going to play as hard as I could and as nobly as I could. No villain shit this time. Keep a clear head, don't let the competition itself get the best of me, and TRY. I can confidently say I did all of these things. I won 6 challenges with my teams, and two of them were in large part because of work that I did. I was strategic about my alliances, made everyone believe I was their friend, ultimately wasn't solely responsible for screwing anybody TOO hard, and went out in the name of friendship. I wouldn't change any of it. What I WILL do, is add the all of the context nobody saw because I physically cannot stop myself. Maybe after that, people can go back to hating me a regular amount instead of this super hyperdrive version of hate.
Advertisement
Looking for Idols
I looked constantly. All day, all night. I am a horrible looker. I didn't even know what those keys looked like until the show started airing. If I found ONE, I think things would've been a lot different. At the same time, I would've never wanted to be handed an idol or a key. That would just make me indebted to someone else. It had to be all on me, and I fell SO FAR short of this part of the game.
Crying all the time
I'm a crier! Everything makes me tear up, especially if I'm not sleeping or eating right. Happy, sad, empathetic, proud - you can guarantee I'll weep a little. Dave said at the Pink Wedding (not shown) that he specifically had me on this season of the show in hopes that I would cry at some point. You got your wish and then some bossman! Do I think they needed to show every single tear I shed the entire week? No. Sorry about that. To be fair, after day 5 there wasn't much of the day where I WASN'T crying.
The Pink Wedding
I'll explain more about my alliance with Ria later, but watching back the Pink Wedding was fucking brutal for me. Obviously it was entertaining, but experiencing it was something else. My tribe ultimately fucked ourselves over by winning so many challenges and coming into this day without having to go through some tough moments as a team. Also, because of all the wins, they never showed us planning/bonding/lying (or doing literally anything at all.) Ria, Dave, Big Cat and Moobie had all been through several tribals and they were tighter than ever (and more paranoid than ever.) We had been sitting pretty, breezing through the game with a half baked plan to get Taylor Lewan out if we got the chance (I wanted Megan out (not shown), sorry Megan, but Kirk convinced me Taylor was a better move.) Every challenge I would check in with Kirk, Rico and Megan to see if we were still good, and we were.
This day, Ria texted me about their plans to vote for Kirk to flush his idol and for us to continue with our Taylor plan, which would ultimately get Taylor out. In that moment we weren't sure if there was going to be an immediate elimination or what we were in store for, so I was texting Ria what my team was saying in real time. To their credit, Kirk Rico and Megan put on a SERIOUS performance of agreeing about voting Dan out. I hadn't trusted Dan from the beginning but I knew Ria was aligned with him, so I mentioned the rumblings happening on our side of things, not thinking Ria would say it to Dan (I wasn't revealing their plan to Kirk, either, even though we had promised to be aligned until the merge (not shown.) The last thing I said was that I needed to check and make sure we were still good on the Taylor vote, and then they took our phones before I could confirm. By the time we got to the turf, the damage had been done.
For some reason, nobody mentioned that my texts were what set off that whole thing. I could've cleared up what I meant immediately. Dave and Dan cornered and gutted Rico for it, and I followed suit because I didn't think there was any way they got that info from me. All of a sudden Dave, Dan and Ria were INTENT on voting Kirk out, assuming he was the ring leader on the Dan "plan" (it was actually Will and Taylor, and it was never the real plan.) I was extremely confused and couldn't understand why they wanted him out, when Ria knew about my alliance with him to make it to the merge. I guess Dave never knew about that either, even though Rico was in the same agreement and they were aligned? So from my perspective it was - my friend in the game/only TRUE alliance is trying to get out my tribe alliance, doesn't trust me anymore, never told me she had an idol herself, and was WAY more aligned with Dave than with me. I felt stupid for sharing as much info with her as I did, and I felt like I was letting myself get screwed. I blame Dave for planting the seeds of doubt in her. Somehow I made it out alive (by winning a game of chance, lamest immunity to win) but really, my death was written in the stars after that day.
Advertisement
Oh, and all week I had been hyping up my memory skills. The night before the Pink Wedding I was so desperate for sleep that I took an edible. Rico then snored LOUD AS FUCK next to me all night long, to the point where I thought Dave and Ria had planted him there to fuck with me on purpose. I think I slept 20 minutes that night. I was groggy, probably still high, and exhausted. Horrible performance by me all around. I explained all this in confessionals but none of it made the final cut, only me bragging about my skills and then failing miserably. I could've jumped out of my window I was cringing so hard at how dumb I sounded.
My alliance with Ria/Getting Voted Out
Ria and I are extremely close. I thought everyone on earth knew that but somehow, a ton of those meatheads had ZERO clue we were even friends going into the game. Our agreement ahead of time was to help each other until we couldn't anymore, keep it low key that we were passing info back and forth, and not do anything to intentionally screw each other over. Having done so many of these games, I know the mental toll it takes on you to be playing with friends, and the long term effects it can have if you get too intense. If it came down to a tough decision where hands were tied, like my exit was, we would have to remember that it's just a game. I was dead in the water. Ria, Megan and Rico all had immunity. Dave and Moobie were aligned. I tried to flip the votes to Dave, saying "I'm voting for Dave. I know he's aligned with too many people here but that's what I'm doing" and then I looked for idols until tribal council. Dave told me to my face that he was voting for me (not shown.) I begged Rico not to vote for me (not shown, but I'm not mad, because I was crying while doing it.) I think I could've convinced Megan and Rico to vote out Moobie with me, but even that felt too scummy to do. I also didn't want the wrath of Dave if I did that to his alliance. I wasn't going to write Ria's name down, even if it was just to get out her idol, because of our friendship agreement. I failed at getting immunity, and I failed at finding an idol to save myself. It sucked so fucking bad to AGAIN, get all the way to the end of one of these shows, and fall short. No one to blame but myself.
I think that's all I can say for now, right? Is anyone even still reading this? Probably not. Just know that I swear to god, despite the fact it wasn't all shown - I cared VERY MUCH about the game. I schemed a ton, had a plan (me, Ria and Dave in the final) and lost because I wasn't going to let the game ruin a real friendship. There's only 1 winner in Surviving Barstool, and I'm 0/2.
"Would you ever do another show like this? You probably shouldn't because you sound really pathetic, log off, touch grass, seek help, ew"
Right now, despite saying "yes" when asked this same question recently, I'm saying no. I would do it if Dave called me and said Keegs, the show can't go on without you. I'm pretty confident that will never happen. It's not doing the show itself (though it fucking blows to live in an office for a week with cameras in your face legitimately every second your eyes are open), but it's the response once it airs. The block is too hot for me still. People hate me SO MUCH, I could've won this whole thing and they would've said the whole season was a waste of time. I have to sit with the fact that my reality is not on the screen, I am not the star of the show, and it was never my story being told. I do think despite hating myself on it, the show is tremendous. The editing (for everyone else) is amazing, the drama is all time, and everyone who worked on the show should be proud of the final product. The finale is awesome, the reunion was good too. I think people will be very happy with all of it.
Maybe I even squeeze a few more tears out.