Dumping Them Out: Wedding Money

Welcome to another episode of Dumping Them Out (2025 edition). 2025 is poised to be the biggest year for Dumping Them Out yet. The Dumping Them Out team worked tirelessly over the holiday season on some innovative new ideas that we think think the fans are really going to enjoy. I'm talking about some real cutting-edge, never before seen type of stuff coming your way. I can't wait to share them with you. Eventually. 

I'm getting married in 2025. We put a deposit down on our wedding venue last week. By the end, it's looking like we'll drop a little under $40k on the wedding in it's entirety. Which isn't even considered a lot. Kinda crazy that nobody even blinks at that number for a wedding. According to the wedding planning/registry website Zola, the national average spent on a wedding in 2024 was $33k. Apparently that's the going rate to have your closest friends and family members dedicate an entire day, really a whole weekend, to celebrating how wonderful you are. $33k to make 100+ people drop what they're doing, travel to your shitty hometown (or fancy city, or European countryside, or wherever the hell you're getting married), bring you an expensive gift, and treat you like royalty for a night. When you put it that way, the number actually kind of makes sense. Half of the people you invited probably don't even like you that much. Realistically all it would take to get most of them there is the open bar. But if you're going to make everybody put their lives on hold for a weekend to celebrate your life, the least you can do is go into a little debt.

The wedding industry has society by the balls. There's not much else like it. Where people will throw financial common sense out the window and flippantly tack on another $2,000 to their bill because during a meeting with the wedding venue you had a fleeting thought that it would be nice to provide guests with a drink as they walk in the door. You'd hate to make people sit through a 5 minute ceremony without a drink in their hand. There are parents who wouldn't lend their children a dime if they desperately needed a new car, but will happily fork over $10k without a second thought so their friends can get blackout drunk on good liquor for one night in the summer. 

When planning a wedding, what you can't do is start thinking about the things you could do with the money instead of throwing a glorified party. Like purchase a KIA Telluride. A reliable vehicle with plenty of room for your pets and future family. The Kia Telluride ranks 2nd among mid-size 3-row SUV's with a J.D. Power reliability rating of 84. It was awarded a 5-star safety rating form the National Traffic Safety Administration. A KIA Telluride would be a safe, sensible purchase that you would reap the benefits from for years to come. If you start making KIA Telluride vs Fancy Party pro's & con's lists, you're gonna drive yourself crazy. 

But at least a wedding is one of the rare occasions in your life where you can expect people to just hand you money. It's weddings, graduation parties, and religious coming of age ceremonies (bar mitzvah, first communion, etc). You'll sometimes get money for birthdays and Christmas, but it's considered rude to straight up ask for it. Unlike a wedding where you can ask your guests to contribute to your "Honeymoon Fund", because for some reason people don't feel like they're being shaken down as much if they know their money is going to a lavish vacation. 

If you're extremely lucky, you might even recoup all the money you spent on your wedding in gifts. Maybe you have a wealthy uncle who decides to cut you a check for $50k. That's a bit of a Catch-22 though. Because if someone in your family is that rich, and loves you enough throw that much money at you for a gift, then money probably isn't really an issue for your family in the first place. Unless it's a sibling rivalry type of situation between your uncle and your dad, and your uncle cuts you an enormous check as a fuck you to your parents. I'm sure that's happened before. 

I'm always told at Barstool you're supposed to invite Dave to your wedding, not because he'll come, but because he wants to opportunity to say no. But I don't think I can do that. Me leaving a wedding invitation on Dave's desk might as well be me leaving a note that says, "Can you please write me a personal check?".

I just can't do it. It almost seems insulting. This has been the wedding episode of Dumping Them Out. Thank you for your time.