CHESS DRAMA: "I'm Out, Fuck You", Bad Boy of Chess, Magnus Carlsen Disqualified For Refusing to Remove His Blue Jeans

TLDW: Magnus Carlsen wore jeans to a chess tournament. Chess told him to change his jeans or he can't play. He said fine, fuck you, I'm out. I'm going somewhere warmer than bum ass New York City. 

I can't help but applaud chess for managing to create so much drama out of what on the surface should be as tame, and as straightforward of a game as there is. Plenty of people love to play chess personally, but to get the average person to even acknowledge the existence of professional chess is a tall task. But chess always finds a way to stay in the news. Whether it's an anal beads cheating scandal.

Or another anal beads cheating scandal.

The world of chess is always ripe with controversy. If you don't think the International Chess Federation (FIDE) knew exactly what they were doing when they told Magnus Carlson he wouldn't be allowed to continue playing the FIDE World Rapid & Blitz Championships unless he changed out of his favorite blue jeans, then you probably think Roger Goodell isn't in the headset of every NFL head coach during games. Just look at this International Chess Federation goon who's enforcing the jeans rule. Look at him. Look at that rye smile on his smug chess ass face. He's got the chess media eating out the palm of his impossibly soft hands.

He loves this shit. And he knows Magnus Carlsen, the bad boy heartthrob of chess, is the perfect guy to slap with a jeans violation. He's not just going to just apologize, pay his $200 fine, and buy a pair of embroidered slacks at the Chess.com gift shop so he can compete in FIDE's prestigious chess blitz. He's going to say fuck your fine, and take his ball and go home. But not before giving a sit down interview with his cool guy haircut in which he'll give the perfect "fuck you" soundbite. 

Advertisement

Nobody does drama like chess. Lost in the interview in Magnus Carlson talking about how FIDE actively bullies chess players out of signing with Freestyle Chess, threatening to not let them play in the World Championships. Like the chess version of PGA Tour vs. LIV. It's a world that exists in it's own little bubble that most people never think about, but once every few months you see a story pop up about some grand master busted with a foreign object in his ass, and you remember that the world of chess is completely bonkers. It's been going on for decades. Dating all the way back to 1978 when Anatoly Kaprov was delivered a blueberry yogurt mid-match and Viktor Korchnoi accused the yogurt of being g signal of what move to make next. 

And long before that I'm sure. I can't imagine the levels of cheating that went on when people first learned how to use computers. Then the internet. Then blue tooth technology. Every time chess thinks they have a handle on their competitors, some new technology is invented that makes cheating easier than not cheating, and chess has another scandal on their hands.

I hope Magnus Carlsen is on his way to somewhere warm by now. A chess professional of his caliber should be laid out on a beach surrounded by pawn sluts feeding him grapes and fanning him with giant palms. He's far too old, and FAR too hot for this bullshit.

Rupak De Chowdhuri. Shutterstock Images.