The Zambian Government Is Prosecuting A Man For A Heinous Plot To Bewitch The President

BBC - Two men have been arrested in Zambia accused of being "witchdoctors" who had been tasked with trying to bewitch the president.

The police said they had arrested Jasten Mabulesse Candunde and Leonard Phiri in the capital, Lusaka.

"Their purported mission was to use charms to harm" President Hakainde Hichilema, said the police statement, released on Friday.

Many people in the southern African country believe in - and live in fear of - witchcraft.

Mr Candunde and Mr Phiri have been charged under Zambia's Witchcraft Act with "possession of charms", "professing knowledge of witchcraft" and "cruelty to wild animals".

The pair were found in possession of "assorted charms", including a live chameleon, the police added.

I'd imagine a lot of American's can relate to our friends Jasten & Leonard of Lusaka, Zambia. Political tensions in this country have been high lately. There's plenty of U.S. citizens who couldn't fathom life under the leadership of their non-preferred political party. That's why our president was shot in the head. But if [insert who you believe shot Donald Trump here] had access to a live chameleon, some charms, and a hilarious voodoo mask, they probably could have left poor Tommy Crooks alone and given the president elect a proper bewitching. Why travel to rural Pennsylvania and resort to gun violence when you could simply slit a reptiles throat and do a cursed chant to make Mar-a-Lago overrun by ghosts.

That's probably the biggest difference between Africa and America. A healthy belief in witchcraft. To the point that Zambia has passed the Zambia Witchcraft Act, where their citizens can be prosecuted for possession of spooky objects. People swear by it though. Barstool Sports shortest & most Zimbabwean employee Zah claims to have put a curse on an enemy that caused his house to be struck by lighting. Zah also said he encountered space aliens at recess. So you know he's seen some real shit. 

But witchcraft/voodoo never really made it past Louisiana in America. As an arrogant American, I gotta think if there was really something to it, people in the United States would have weaponized the shit out of it by now. We all hate each other. We'd use witchcraft over the pettiest things. Greg Sankey would wake up covered in spiders every morning. Dave Portnoy would be struck by lighting whenever he left his house. But in America the best people have been able to come up with is sending mean tweets and writing hit pieces on websites that have about 6-months of funding left. 

I don't know what a typical Zambian trial looks like. But if I were a defense attorney and my client was being accused of witchcraft, my defense would essentially be, "C'mon guys. Be serious. Look at us right now. Bewitching the president? Can we be a serious country for 5 minutes?"

Hopefully I'm not testing fate here by mocking the ancient art of witchcraft, and my parent's Christmas tree doesn't catch on fire Wednesday morning. If my parent's Christmas tree catches on fire, I retract what a said. If anything in my life catches on fire I retract what I said. I'm actually getting kinda nervous about my 2-hour drive back home to my parents later today. Maybe not the smartest move to spit in the face of voodoo two days before Christmas. Zah if you're reading this and wouldn't mind casting a spell of protection my way, I'd really appreciate it.