Knee Jerk Reactions to Week 12: Patriots vs. Dolphins

Things to consider while realizing this game was the worst thing that's happened all year. And two of my brothers just died.*:

--In the normal course of business, I'd try to emphasize the positives, even after a loss. To pull a rug over the bloodstains on the floor and point to the good parts. But business hasn't had a normal course around here in a long time. And apart from Drake Maye, what are the positives, exactly? I suppose I could go back, rewatch the game and try to find some. But honestly, I'd rather spend my holiday week doing literally any other thing. I'd rather be confined to a supermax prison with nothing to watch "Annoying Orange" videos while the Gen Z guard explains why they're funny. I'd rather be on a cross-country trip in a 1988 Ford Pinto hatchback with Will and Jada Pinkett Smith. I'd rather wake up in the bottom of a well in a basement with Andy Reid looking down on me saying, "Bundlerooskie! Bundlerooskie!" nonstop and threatening me with a hose than ever watch another down of this shambolic mess. 

--I mean, it's my default setting to cut this organization some slack as they try to turn around this decline, which is now in it's fifth big season. But I've run out of cheeks to turn. There's no end in sight. After four weeks of wins and competitive losses, they regressed to a loss actually uglier than those fiascos against Houston and Jacksonville in mid-October. Simply put, the Patriots were not prepared to take the field at Hard Player Land Pro Life Shark Rock Stadium or whatever it is now. It was Sun Tzu, "Every battle is decided before it was fought." I swear after one offensive snap I turned to my buddy and said, "The good news is Vederian Lowe hasn't committed a penalty yet." He kept that streak alive until 3rd down. By the time they ran their eighth play from scrimmage, they had three false starts, two of them by Lowe, on his way to three on the day. Later Austin Hooper lined up offsides, Anfernee Jennings had a neutral zone infraction. In addition to the usual Kellogg's Variety Pack of holds and pass interferences, including two on offense. The whole game was just a Hieronymus Bosch lithograph-like hellscape of awfulness. 

--We don't need numbers to tell us what our eyes already have, but let's drill down into two simple ones to tell the story. In the 1st half, the Dolphins converted 17 1st downs and had 289 yards. The Patriots had 14 1sts and 269 yards for the game. If you crop dusted this team with Paco Rabanne, you still couldn't cover the stench of that failure.

--I say again what I've said once a week since OTAs back in the spring, if the offensive line isn't fixed, the rest of this is just an exercise in futility. As moot points go, it's the mootiest. Yet here we are almost to Thanksgiving, and they're as penalty prone and ineffective as they ever were. Aside from Sidy Sow subbing in as Demontrey Jacobs was taken out for a dozen snaps, the other starting four played every down. Because Lowe, Michael Jordan, Ben Brown, and Michael Onwenu are the best Elliot Wolf's front office and Jerod Mayo's coaching staff can come up with. Help is not on the way. It's been reported that Maye has been joining his O-linemen for dinner on Monday nights. I just hope he sits against the wall in the booth. Because if a waiter comes by spilling hot soup, he's getting through Maye's protection.

--Here's a look in slow motion. Rhamondre Stevenson is met 4 yards behind the line of scrimmage. Pause it at 0:16 and you can count seven Dolphins defenders in the backfield:

 The Orcs didn't get that many bodies into Helm's Deep after the wall was breached.

--The fact the Pats lose the talent matchup pretty much across the board is a reality we learned to accept months - if not years - ago. What's more disturbing to me at the moment is how badly the coaching on both sides of the ball is getting outschemed. Mayo and his staff can occasionally coach their guys up better than a Matt Eberflus or Jeff Ulbrich. But against an established, experienced NFL coach who's proven to be an innovator like DeMeco Ryan or Sean McVay, they have no chance. For all his try-hard posery and Tech CEO energy Mike McDaniel wants to badly to give off, the man can come up with a game plan. And the Patriots were child's play for him. Was there a single time all game when he didn't have enough blockers in front of his ballcarrier? A hat on every hat? 

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To say nothing of the times he got the entire defense moving one way on a misdirection, so that De'Von Archane had more blockers (one) than he needed?

Meanwhile, despite the fact Alex Van Pelt has been working with the same starting five on his O-line for close to a month now, he still can't draw up a screen pass that has the precision, timing and spacing you'd find in a line dance at a wedding.The best we can typically hope for is Pop Douglas outside the numbers with maybe Onwenu in front of him, and he's going nowhere unless he can slip tackles and generate the yards on his own. And another difference between this line and a wedding dance is the drunks doing the "Cha Cha Dance" have better communication. For the second straight week I find myself wondering why any front-7 would ever NOT run a stunt against the Pats. They look like they've never gone over a set of rules for passing off blocking assignments from one another:

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For certain, Van Pelt hasn't solved the puzzle of picking up a corner blitz. Jalen Ramsey and Maye spent more time together than those conjoined twins that married that guy last spring. (Since you're no doubt asking the question, let me explain. Like any newlywed, he makes sweet, passionate love to his wife. But he's seeing her sister on the side.) This was a 2nd & 3. Van Pelt drew up three verticals with Hunter Henry running a 5-yard sit route. Antonio Gibson stayed home in blitz pickup, but didn't come within a 9-iron of picking up the blitz. Instead he helped Jacobs double the tackle. With predictable results:

I have to think that if this was a Josh McDaniel offense, Gibson would've read the pressure, chipped Ramsey and then slipped into the vacated flat, where he would've had 15 yards of open range territory before he so much as saw another defender. Instead it's 3rd & 15. Welcome to the Patriots' world, 2022-present. 

--But what the heck, how about we have some fun?

Sure, that 3rd & 15 was one of the low key weirdest plays off the season, when Kayshon Boutte actually managed to pick up an OPI penalty running a route where he fell down. That's the Daily Double of failure for a wideout on a single play, but he was able to convert it. What happened next though, was one of the lone feel-good moments that can give you hope for a brighter future. This time it was Chop Robinson in Maye's face. Which, given he finished with 1.5 sacks, a TFL and 3 QB Hits, could've joined Ramsey and Maye to form a Human Centipede. But Maye managed to fight him off and deliver perhaps his best completion as a pro:

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Try to imagine that athleticism, that arm talent, and that ability to see the field, married to a serviceable NFL offense. We're a long way from getting there. But to borrow a line from the singing witch movie your wives, girlfriends and daugthers are going to drag you to this weekend, Maye's future is unlimited.

--This is probably a topic for another blog, but at this point I have no idea if Maye would be better off with another offensive coordinator. We've seen what having a bad one can do to a young quarterback. We've seen it all around the league the past few years, but look no further than the permanent damage done to Mac Jones by Matt Patricia and Joe Judge. On the other hand, switching schemes all the time and sending the whole team back to Day 1 of first grade every season is no box of chocolates, either. My problem is that I still have no idea how AVP's system is supposed to operate. I don't know what the Platonic Ideal of a Van Pelt offense would look like. If say, he had a professional line and, a borderline Pro Bowl WR1 and a legitimate WR2. To go along with Henry, Hooper, and Douglas, who continues to punch above his weight pretty much every week:

Since there's not a chance of seeing AVP's system at it's optimal best, but Maye is still being developed the way we'd all hoped, I suppose he deserves the benefit of the doubt. 

--But what I need to see starting next week against Indy, is for Mayo to start coaching like he's got a 3-9 team on his hands. To stop being so conservative it's like he's trying to win the Iowa Caucus. Go for it on 4th & 1 from his own 39 on the opening drive instead of punting it away. On the second possession, throw it on 3rd & 16 on the second drive instead of handing it off and playing for a field goal you'd end up missing. If Stevenson can't get anything going on the inside (1.6 YPA) against a loaded box, but Gibson is finding room to operate on the edge (5.0 YPA), keep feeding Gibson instead of giving him six carries. Basically to open things up like he's got nothing to lose. Because he simply does not. He's got the job for next year. So he might as well forget it's all been a wreck and call games with reckless abandon. Get Ja'Lynn Polk (one catch for seven yards, giving him a whopping 87 yards on the season) and Javon Baker (one career target) involved, consequences be damned. And if those players he can't help once they cross the white lines keep screwing up with unforced errors, he should bring them back across the white lines and over to the bench. The time to start coaching for 2025 is upon us. So far it seems like Mayo is the last one among us to realize it.

--And part of opening things up might be saving well designed gadget plays like this 2-point conversion for when they can actually help. Not when they're going to pull you to within 16 points with 10 minutes to play:

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--While we're fixing this team for next year, maybe having a 5-foot-8, 188 pound Marcus Jones playing 100% of your defensive snaps at corner is not a recipe for success. Even against smallish slot guys like Jaylen Waddle and Tyreek Hill, he's at a matchup disadvantage and gets targeted constantly. After all, if you saw him on one side and Christian Gonzalez on the other:

… throwing anywhere but at Marcus Jones would constitute criminal negligence.

--This Week's Applicable Movie Quote:

Car Rental Agent: "How may I help you?"

Neal Page: "You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks! Then you can give me a fucking automobile! A fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!"

Agent: "I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me."

Neal: "And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn't fucking there. And I really didn't care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car… right… fucking… now." …

Agent: "May I see your rental agreement?"

Neal: "I threw it away."

Agent: "Oh, boy."

Neal: "Oh boy, what?"

Agent: "You're fucked."

-Planes, Trains and Automobiles                                                                        

--*I can assure you Jim and Jack Thornton would've appreciated this joke. I just don't know how else to deal with losing them. One blessing in all of this is that we always appreciated being together and sick humor. I'm not here to lecture anyone, but try to be grateful for your family this Thanksgiving.