In Honor Of Tonight's Mike Tyson Fight, Here Are The Definitive Power Rankings Of Punch Out Characters
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Obviously tonight, we have Mike Tyson taking on Jake Paul in a boxing match. I am scared how normal it felt to write that sentence, but it also perfectly describes life in the 2020s.
Anyway, Mike Tyson’s Punch Out is probably the best game in NES history (with the only other real option being Mario 3) and I just started playing it again on the Switch because my kids have randomly become obsessed with it, proving how timeless it truly is.
Punch Out has great gameplay and graphics for its time, but the meat and potatoes of the game lies in the wacky characters you come across. So here are the definitive power rankings of Punch Out characters, with rankings are in terms of entertainment value, not difficulty.
14. Von Kaiser- Easily the worst opponent in the game. Nothing exciting about this mamaluke at all. Actually, he has a legit stache. I will give him that.
13. Mr. Sandman- Legit scary dude but has no personality and looks like he is unveiling a new O Face every time he does something.
Also loses points because he is from Philly.
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12. Mario- Probably his most underrated appearance in any game, despite the fact he basically does nothing. It looks like he packed on a few pounds after the immense success of Mario Bros. (not judging by any means, obviously).
11. Little Mac- Not a very interesting or fun character, but plays the scrappy underdog well. It’s actually pretty amazing that Punch Out is as good as it is with such a boring main character. I forgot that Little Mac was only 17 years old in this game. Maybe he just hasn’t hit his growth spurt yet?
10. Piston Honda- Solid entrance music, good catch phrases (“I’ll give you a TKO from Tokyo” always made me laugh), and the Piston flurry was a decent signature move. But he lacks the flair of the people in the Top 5.
9. Soda Popinski- A drunk, commie bastard who has a laugh that nightmares are made of.
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Changing his name from Vodka Drunkinski to Soda Popinski is too big of a wimpy PR move for him not to free fall down this list. RIP to the San Francisco bar that was named after him that had a drink wheel and an old school Nintendo system in the back. Easily one of my favorite places I visited in California with my wife when we went to California and hit every baseball park back before we had kids (and lives).
To be honest, Popinski deserves to be higher, but I have hated his guts since the first time I faced him, so I'll exact my revenge by putting him low in this blog. Luckily I don't have to worry about him coming to get me since I guaranteed he died of cirrhosis of the liver years ago.
8. Glass Joe- Going 1-99 is pretty damn impressive, mainly because he took 99 ass-beatings and kept getting up. Sneaky zing to the French having him hail from Paris. I see what you did there, Nintendo.
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Joe also gets bonus points for getting mentioned in an Ice Cube song and for his only win somehow coming against the boss for Super Punch Out, Nick Bruiser.
Punch Out Wiki- The Official Nintendo Magazine claims Glass Joe defeated Nick Bruiser in an accident, supported by the fact that he is on the fastest score list. However, Nick Bruiser has an undefeated 42-0 record, although this could be because of Glass Joe's win being accidental, so they didn't give Nick Bruiser a loss in his record, while still giving Glass Joe a win in his record.
7. Bald Bull- Great name and great special move (The Bull Charge). When talking about Punch Out, Bald Bull is usually one of the first opponents people you think of. You fight him twice in the original and he is in Super Punch Out as well. That has to count for something. He lowkey has pretty nice eyes for a giant bull man that you can see when he is stunned, but he also looks like he smells terrible.
6. Great Tiger- The Magic Punch dominated me when I was a youngster since I didn't know blocking was an option for years and the whole glowing jewel thing was fun. He could have used another trick or so, but since the game came out 17 years ago, I’ll give him a pass. If it came out that he killed that tiger himself, I would have to move him up the list even more.
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5. Doc- Clearly the brains of the operation, Doc coaches up a pip squeak nobody to take on some of the biggest monsters in boxing history. When Clay Davis plays you in a commercial, you are making the Top 5. It's that simple.
Sheeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttt.
Plus let's call it like it is. The man can ride the hell out of a bike.
4. Don Flamenco- Such a Nancy in this game, but his job is to piss you off. The rose, the love quotes, the annoying defense; it’s all there to frustrate you, which makes knocking him out into a pool of his foamy spit that much more satisfying. I just learned today that he is only 23 years old, which is a toughhhh look.
3. Super Macho Man- This bastard has the looks of a creepy old porn star, throws the second most lethal punch in the game (the spinning punch), and shakes his tatas at you right off the bat.
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Arrogant as the day is long and one of the best 2nd banana bosses in video game history. Both Super Macho Man and Mike Tyson are somehow undefeated in this game. How does that even happen? Was Tyson ducking Macho Man a la Mayweather/Pacquiao? Or was it like a Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali two champions kind of thing? One of the great unanswered questions of my youth.
2. Mike Tyson- I wonder which Mike Tyson got more street cred back in the day, Real Life Tyson or Punch Out Tyson? Even though Real Life Tyson was a dominant champion and could literally knock you out, Punch Out Tyson may be the most dominant sports video game character ever over the likes of Tecmo Bo, Madden Vick, and Jon Dowd (iykyk).
Tyson also has never been beaten by Portnoy during the Barstool Era, which counts for something since Dave was winning all sorts of random challenges back in the day along with his pro teams winning titles every other year.
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As dominant as Kid Dynamite was, he isn’t number 1. That’s because number 1 goes to…
1. King Hippo- This big SOB comes in hopping and jawing right off the bat. He is also royalty and other than 1 legit weakness, is impossible to beat. King Hippo is basically the Achilles of Punch Out and I won’t hear anything different. The best character in the entire game. All Hail The King.
I also learned while doing this blog that there are apparently people who do speedruns of Punch Out blindfolded, which is very humbling since I can't even beat Sandman anymore.
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Obligatory shout out to the acapella version of the theme song my kids have been listening to every day because this game is a certified classic. Hopefully its namesake can turn back the clock tonight.