Breaking Down Jake Paul Versus Mike Tyson

Large11/11/2024 8:30 PM

Jimin Kim. Shutterstock Images.

It's Monday afternoon, and already five different people (including my 14-year-old daughter) have asked me who will win when Jake Paul fights Mike Tyson this Friday night.

And before anyone else asks my opinion, I figure I would just put it in writing. That way, I can cut & paste a link to this blog as my answer.

And here it is...

I am staying away from trying to predict what will happen in Tyson vs Paul.

The reason?...

There’s no way to give an intelligent read on a 58-year-old legend versus a 27-year-old glorified bouncer/historically elite self-promoter who are both bending the rules of engagement to protect each others' health.

My wife and I recently moved a family member into an "over 55" community last week, and as I was walking past a table of happy quinquagenarians enjoying fruit cups, I couldn't help but picture Iron Mike at that same table, quietly passing time until BINGO begins. So it is not much of a stretch to say out loud that Jake Paul is combing through retirement homes for his opponents.

Everyone reading this knows I am as old as fuck, but I am still 3 years away from being able to join that retirement community and, apparently, 6 years away from being able to fight Jake Paul.

Let that sink in, and then ask yourself, how the fuck did this shitshow get sanctioned?

Then there are all the concessions being made. The first is the shortened number of rounds.

Listen, I can deal with only 8 rounds, I guess… Championship fights are typically 12 rounds, but others are cut to 10. And then that round number is cut further depending on how long the fighters have been competing. So at the beginning of your boxing career, you'll probably have a handful of 8-round bouts.

But it was just confirmed yesterday that those 8 rounds will also be only 2-minutes long, instead of the traditional 3-minute format. And for those who don't know, 2-minute rounds are 2 things:

Fucking disgraceful. And...
Usually reserved for female fighters.

So this whole fight promises... AT MOST... only 16 minutes of “action" designed originally for novices and broads. That’s half of a traditional 36-minute championship fight.

I take longer dumps than that.

But there's more...

I also learned that the gloves will be 14oz and not the regulation 10oz... A small nuance for some, but the bigger gloves are equally disgraceful as the shortened rounds because you are adding 40% more protective padding than what real fighters typically fight with... And by "real fighters", I mean Mike Tyson 30 years ago.

Put all this bullshit together, and I think it's impossible to handicap a Main Event with all those fucking silly variables... And any "expert" who claims they can, is flat-out lying.

Does that mean I won't watch the fight?

Of course not... I am a fan of Jake's, but like everyone else in the world, I would LOVE to see Kid Dynamite turn back the clock and put Paul on Queer Street with that same right hand to the body followed by a left hook to the head that knocked Trevor Berbick down 3 times with one punch.

AFP. Getty Images.

But, again, that was 38 years ago.

The undercard is legit, but I will not pretend the Main Event isn't a circus that is impossible to put a tent over. So I will watch it the same way I eagerly watched the WWF back in the day, and I will cheer for Tyson... Hoping for the best, but preparing for the absurd.