If Arsenal Loses On, Sunday We May Never See Zah Again...

I hate seeing my guy Zah like this. Seriously, could anything be worse? Imagine the grind of Monday through Friday, with your only scenery being the bleak route to work and the unchanging walls of your office. Now add the crushing despair of your team losing. How does anyone manage such an existence? Heart-wrenching. Truly. Zah, I’m sending my deepest condolences, because clearly, no one has ever endured a hardship like this.

But let’s talk Arsenal, because as funny as it is to dramatize, there’s a point when it stops being a joke and starts being a problem. They need to sort things out before the fans—and I mean all the fans, not just Zah—start calling for Mikel Arteta’s head. Look, I’m not saying the season is over, but a loss to Chelsea could absolutely inch us closer. Not only does a defeat against the Blues put Arteta on a warmer-than-cozy hot seat, but it sends Zah into existential crisis mode. I might have to buy him a life alert necklace. If Arsenal loses this one, Zah might genuinely vanish. He won’t be dead or anything dramatic like that; he’ll just be… gone. A shadow of his former self, slowly fading into the misery of fandom disappointment. 

So please, Arsenal, I’m begging you. For the love of Zah and his fragile sports-obsessed heart, let’s turn up this Sunday. Put Cole Palmer and that chaotic Chelsea lineup in a blender and show us the Arsenal we all know you can be. Roll over them, and maybe throw in some extra flair while you’re at it. Because Zah needs this win. We all need this win.