SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY- Toilet Seat With A Built-In Scale

Large10/10/2024 6:20 PM

Jonathan Daniel. Getty Images.

I got catfished this week.

I don't remember which platform I was scrolling through while taking a massive dump… I think it was TikTok.

But I do remember seeing a post that introduced me to something I had never seen before- A toilet seat with a built-in scale.

Again, the details are hazy. However, I believe the caption said it was for handicapped people who couldn't otherwise stand on a scale. But I immediately labeled it as an invention that could tell inquisitive dieters just how much weight they lost after a healthy dump.

You see, I, myself, have been dieting for the past year. I'm actually back down to the weight I was when I started at Barstool.

(September 2018, and using Willie Colon for reference)

Thanks for noticing, but the whole "Large?!?!… MORE LIKE MEDIUM!!!"-joke has probably run its course by now.

I had a small health scare towards the middle of 2023 that apparently wasn't enough of a wake-up call, but a few weeks later, I flew down to Richmond for a ride-along in a modified NASCAR Cup Series car with Dale Earnhardt Jr and was promptly laughed off the track when it was revealed that I was too fat to fit in the car.

(September 2023, sucking in my gut and using Spider for reference)

Since then (and after being turned down for an Ozempic prescription), I began a steady diet where I replaced alcohol with an aggressive dose of laxatives and some moderate exercise. And throughout this "journey," I chose to weigh myself at only 2 times during the day:

Immediately after waking up, when I am at my most dehydrated.
Immediately after a dump, when I have the least fecal baggage.

So buying a scale that would tell me just how effective my preferred scale-time #2 is was a fucking no-brainer because it would provide me with before, during, and after results.

I wrote myself a note to follow up on buying the scale and then went back to scrolling/shitting.

Well, I followed up today, and unfortunately, it looks like the scale doesn't exist… At least not in any kind of mass-produced form (I saw some homemade models)… And I am EXTREMELY disappointed. The bride and I are going to a Chinese hot pot restaurant in a couple of days, and I was hoping to have this thing installed prior so I could measure the effects of a meal that traditionally cleans me out like no other. The couple we are going with includes a husband with a similar sense of humor, so I was going to also buy him a "Scale Seat" and if there was a wireless function that allowed us to go head-to-head (or asshole-to-asshole in this situation) he and I could see in real-time who lost the most weight the next morning as the remnants of all that spicy broth tore through us like a North Carolina hurricane.

Speaking of which…

But no such luck because I've been had by some charlatan on TikTok, and I am not happy about it.

"But Large, you can always keep a scale next to the toilet and weigh yourself before and after you take a shit."

I fucking know that, but for some reason, the real-time results of a weight-indicating toilet seat intrigued me more, okay?

Shit, I could also vacuum my house, but I have a Roomba that does an awful job… Or could cut my own lawn, but I have people for that.

So here is a call to all you frustrated inventors out there- Come up with a viable Scale Seat™ and I will use my vast number of connections in the business world and beyond to get us on Shark Tank and then potentially on the shelves of every remaining Bed Bath & Beyond in the continental United States (before you get too excited, I think there are only 3 BB&B locations left). Or perhaps I will petition the current administration about the health benefits of weighing your stool, and then they can purchase all of our inventory to provide free seats to every person crossing our Southern border.

Either way, there are supposed to be no "sure things when it comes to developing new products", but I guarantee we'll make MILLIONS overnight.

Get to work and get ready to…