Jerry Jones Apparently Threw A Huge Party For DeMarcus Ware Right After Making Him The Highest-Paid Defensive Player In The NFL (BONUS: Ranking The Best And Worst NFL Owners To Party With)
Three quick things about this story:
1. I don't know what it is, but I always trust anything that comes out of Osi Umenyiora's mouth. I'm not sure if it's the constant smile that is always on said mouth, his demeanor, or the fact he played a role in the two best nights I've ever had as a sports fan. But I trust that man with all my heart. At least now that he's retired and no longer engaging in public contract feuds with the Giants front office that always seemed to go off the rails.
2. Speaking of which, I don't ever want to hear anything from the talking heads spewing nonsense on TV all day to fill air time about how the Cowboys not going to sign one of their superstars ever again. Seemingly every year there is a contract dispute, and seemingly every year Jerruh shows up with a giant contract at the perfect time. Jerry Jones is clearly the players coach of owners. He can play hard ball all he wants at the negotiating table, but that dude clearly likes just being friends with his super popular employees to the point he throws parties for them AFTER they take a shit ton of his money to play a kid's game.
3. I would imagine players being invited to party with the owner of their team likely gets the same reaction of if you told high schoolers they could party with their teachers. But I don't think that's necessarily the case with Jerry Jones. Even though it would have major work party vibes at first, most work parties aren't being thrown by a billionaire. Millionaire NFL players get to do some cool ass shit. But billionaire NFL owners get to do even cooler shit that is probably so cool, it's illegal for the rest of us.
In fact, there is nothing you can tell me an NFL owner does for fun that would surprise me. Sex. Drugs. Real life Squid Game. Actually I take that back. Those people throwing back some drinks, listening to music, and some awkward dancing during their big parties would surprise me. I wouldn't bat an eyelash if it came out one of them hunted humans for sport though.
Okay that got dark. To brighten things up, I did a quick power rankings of which NFL owners would be the best/worst to party with and this is what I came up with.
BEST:
1. Mark Davis: Seems like an actual nice guy. Loves PF Changs. Has all of Vegas at his disposal. Always has the worst hair in the room, which relaxes everyone else.
2. Jim Irsay: The Eagles lines would get old after a while, but there would be plenty of other things in the room to get your mind off of those.
3. Jerry Jones: For all the reasons above along with his obsession with glory holes.
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4. Art Rooney II: This is just a gut feeling but I think being the owner of the Steelers gives you the power to do literally ANYTHING you want to do in Pittsburgh whenever you want without any legal consequences. So you could pretty much live a real life version of Grand Theft Auto with all the cheat codes on if Art allowed it.
5. Packers Fans: This is kind of a cop out because it's hard to figure out which stuffy white guy likes to party. But getting crazy with a bunch of people from Wisconsin who love their team enough to fork over a bunch of money for a random piece of paper can't be a bad time, unless you die from drinking too much or from doing something extra stupid after drinking too much.
WORST:
1. David Tepper: Absolutely loaded but also an absolute dickhead.
2 (tie). Dean Spanos and Mike Brown: Both of these guys would definitely have a cash bar at their party and host it at an old bowling alley in order to save a buck.
4. Jimmy Haslem: Jimmy feels like the Jim Dolan of the NFL, which is the worst thing I can say about a sports owner. This is admittedly a gut pick, but I feel like there's a chance I could end up arrested after a night partying with Haslem.
5. John Mara: Working for John Mara is probably awesome because he appears to be loyal to a fault. Partying with John Mara seems like it would be terrible because he'd probably just bring up work a lot, he clearly hates fun considering the taunting rules are a product of him, and he would host the party at an awful spot considering he built MetLife Stadium around the same time for around the same price that Jerry's World was built and MetLife is 1/10000000000000000000000th of what Jerry's World is. Plus I feel like John Mara wants to be called Mr. Mara because that's what his dad was called, which is a giant red flag in any walk of life when it comes to bosses.
Now I'm angry, so it's time for the GIF!
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UPDATE: I searched Osi Umenyiora's name while I was writing this blog because I wanted to double check something and I came across this blog:
Needless to say I no longer trust anything that comes out of Osi's mouth. But I believe this story since no ex-Giants player ever says anything good about the Cowboys organization unless it's stone cold fact.