Rest Assured, Pro Football Fans: The NFL's Hype Video Promises Lots More Taylor Swift in 2024!

Stephen Chung. Shutterstock Images.

If you've ever wondered what the NFL thinks of you (and honestly I don't know why you would; you have the spark of the divine in you and should focus more on the opinions of those who love and care about you) or how they view their vast target demographic, this image above pretty much sums it up. 

The league's marketing department can read the data. To steal a line from Concussion, they own the day the church used to own:

Plus the entire male segment of the population. An impressive percentage of the adult females. What they didn't have until recently was the young female market. The ones with all the discretionary income. The ones who more than practically any other group, love to identify with a thing and consume its products. 

We're coming up on exactly one year since the day the NFL fracked its way into the shale deposits of that subgroup and started extracting all that sweet, sweet cash. And in no way do they have any intention of shutting down the monetary pipeline. Not if their annual preseason hype video is any indication:

I'm not on Adderall, so I struggle to identify everyone who made it into one of these 0.5 second jump cuts. But if you sensed an overabundance of Taylor Swift edited in there like the porn images Tyler Durden spliced into G-rated movies, your perceptions are correct. Someone broke it down:

And I'll add at least two Travis Kelces. Giving the World's Most Overexposed Celebrity Couple seven appearances, or one every four seconds. 

So gird your loins. If you were sick of this relationship before, be assured NFL Shop has not yet begun to market. They're able to take you, your loyalties, your wagering, your Fantasy league and your discretionary spending for granted. From now until the ending of the world, they're going after the Glitter crowd. The people who just wrapped up BRAT Summer and are looking for something new to focus on as they're drinking their Pumpkin Spiced Lattes. The ones who came firmly down on the pink side of 2023's Barbenheimer. The NFL is looking to pump out marketing material that inspires, "Yasss queen!" And "Girlipops." And "Mother." And "Main Character Energy" and something about eating while leaving no crumbs or whatever else Olds like me can't comprehend and don't need to. 

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It would be great if Dante is right and this insufferable romance is scheduled to end soon. But it doesn't matter. Pro football is laser focused on the credit cards in those purses. And if it's not Swift and Kelce, it's just going to be somebody else. This is the permanent state of the NFL. Or at least until they find yet another, even more lucrative market to tap into.