Chris Klemmer and I are driving across the country for purple hats
(This blog is by Intern Jakob, documenting my journey across the country with Chris Klemmer in his pursuit of finding purple hats for the YAK)
Even though I’ve only been on this rock for 21 years and some change, I’ve come to learn that spontaneity often leads to some of the most valuable experiences life has to offer.
That wasn’t the first thing on my mind two weeks ago, though, when Caitlyn Walker informed me I’d be flying to New Mexico in the last week of my internship to accompany Chris Klemmer on a week-long road trip across the USA.
Fellow Virginian Jake Malasek was originally selected to go on this trip via the Yak Wheel, but this week he had work to do for the gambling accounts with football coming up. The day he was picked, I got a text from him asking about my availability and if I’d be able to possibly fill in. I showed Big Cat, who said “tell him I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”
The following morning Caitlyn Walker asked if I talked to anybody about the road trip, and I told her about that interaction. She said, “well, you’re going.”
I have joined the purple hat quest once before, when intern Joey and I drove with Klemmer to Indiana and Michigan on a day-long road trip that climaxed with Klemmer buying a purple durag off a man’s head for $40.
So, this week I embark on a great unexpected journey with one Christopher Klemmer to provide assistance on his nationwide hunt. I flew out of O’Hare direct to Albuquerque, and as a fan of Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul I have to admit I was pretty excited. I mean, my lyft driver to the airport was named Hector. Salamanca? Perhaps, but lyft doesn’t provide that information. It had to be a good sign.
We landed, we linked, and we were off.
Now is probably a good time to mention that I am in fact colorblind. Color deficient is the technical term, and I can indeed see color, but some shades and colors I mix up with others, especially purple. Pure, old-fashioned (surely intentional) irony.
Waiting for the rental car at the airport, we had our first false alarm when I saw a guy in a Seahawks hat that I thought was purple. Klemmer ran down the terminal to see if it was the real deal, apparently it wasn’t even close. But no matter, we pressed on, for our conquest had just begun.
We tried our hand at the Rio Grande, but that was a bust too.
In the Coronado Center mall, Klemmer and I scoured high and low to no avail. Morale was certainly not elevated after a full unsuccessful sweep of the mall, and while Klemmer figured out a new game plan and attended important business over text with uncle Davey Pageviews, I kept watch for potential purple hats.
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I held watch, yearning with an agonizing desire to see a color I cannot see. But, when I saw a dark blue-ish but maybe not blue hat slowly rising up the escalator, I quickly realized why they call New Mexico the land of enchantment.
Our spoils of victory included authentic New Mexican Panda Express in the food court, then we motored our way east to get our kicks on Route 66, seeking a land where they say everything is bigger.
As driver, Klemmer has aux. Supposedly I am not allowed to drive the rental car because “I’m not 25” and “insurance” and blah blah blah, but I respect aux to the driver privileges. We had a good yap/nonverbal cycle. The silence was filled by the Kirk Minihane show when we weren’t speaking, but we had a good amount of chitchat. We talked Stephen King books (Klemmer’s favorite is The Stand), how shocked we both were that we didn’t see a cactus in New Mexico, and our least favorite MLB players (his: A-Rod or Roger Clemens, me: Jose Altuve)
We thugged it out to the Texas border as purple hat homies, and the yees were hawing once we hit the Lonestar State.
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Just outside of Amarillo, we stopped at a mall to see if our luck would hold, but the place was a ghost town. No dice. We checked into the hotel in Amarillo, and there was only one move to be made after that.
We did not follow in the footsteps of one William Football in attempting the 72oz steak challenge, but we did split a porterhouse that was absolutely bussin. No purple hats were found at the Big Texan unfortunately, but we are back at it early tomorrow morning to knock off the Texas hat and hightail it to Oklahoma, where the winds come sweeping down the plains.
W of the Day: There was a rattlesnake at the Big Texan in the gift shop that was really cool, I’ve never seen one before! Also this whole trip has been pretty neat through day 1, I’ve never been out west so this is all new and exciting.
L of the Day: I was really hoping we could pull over in the desert so I could recreate the Walter White underwear scene with the monologue, but it was not meant to be.