'Athletes Don't Want Fake Meat': Emergency Shipments of Actual Food are Being Rushed to 'the Vegan Olympics'

Morgan Treacy. Shutterstock Images.

Imagine for a second, you're French. It's a stretch I know, but just bear with me a moment on this journey into your imagination. 

Your greatest city is hosting the Olympics. Above all other things, it is internationally renowned for sex and cuisine. And this is your chance to share your culture with the world as the internationally community comes to visit. So what do you do? 

First, you give them all anti-sex beds made out of Amazon packages:

Next, you deny them quality food. The very thing you do best. And have done best in the world for as long as anyone can remember. Probably since the time of Charlemagne and the Carolingian Dynasty. You win every international competition for food and wine. Your chefs have created the finest restaurants around the globe. Their indecipherable accents appear on every show on Food Network, condescendingly reminding our chefs what hacks they are. All the most expensive dishes we serve have French names. Some of our most popular have the word "French" in the title, even though you probably had nothing to do with them, like fries and toast. And whenever we want to make the ordinary sound elegant, we through a superfluous "Le" in front of it and jack up the prices.

Hell, The City of Lights is so famous for it's fine foods Pixar created a Parisian rodent with the palate of a Michelin (a French name) star chef. 

And yet, all the cuisine they've made available has been the worst mankind has to offer. The cardboard bed of dining options. 

The people who have long prided themselves on taking every animal in Europe and finding a way to its flesh, milk, eggs, organs, glands, tails, hoofs and bones into something delicious, are dishing out plant-based slop no one would ever order unless they're allergic to quality or simply pretentious assholes who want to preach to you about how they're saving the planet or whatever. 

And a week into the Games, the athletes have had enough. There's a food uprising taking place that would make Les Miserables of the 1789 Bread Riots proud:

Source - Olympic teams at the summer games in Paris are ordering in emergency supplies of meat and eggs after event organizers promoted a vegan diet for the world’s elite athletes. 

On Tuesday, The Australian reported “more than 700kg of eggs and a tonne of extra meat” was called in “to replace fake meat meals and non-dairy options.” The food orders were placed “as athletes rail against the Vegan Olympics.”

“Paris organisers demanded 60 [percent] of food at all Olympic venues be vegan to reduce carbon footprint of dairy, meat and cheese,” the Australian paper added. “Avocados were off the menu because of transportation emissions, but the Australian team brought their own for smashed avo breakfasts.”

Yahoo Sports reported last week that teams were left frustrated by shortages of eggs and grilled chicken “while athletes have also been served uncooked meat.”

“While there is a variety of cuisine available to accommodate the tastes of different countries — and an abundance of baguettes in France — vegan meals aren’t in line with what the athletes prefer to eat while competing,” Yahoo reported. …

The “loudest food complaints,” according to the Washington Post, “came from Team Great Britain.” 

“The food ‘is not adequate,’ the British Olympic Association’s chief executive, Andy Anson, told the Times newspaper on the eve of the Opening Ceremonies,” the Post reported. “‘There are not enough of certain foods: eggs, chicken, certain carbohydrates, and then there is the quality of the food, with raw meat being served to athletes,’ Anson said.”

“Athletes don’t want fake meat,” author and nutrition journalist Nina Teicholz wrote on X. “They know that complete proteins — crucial for sports performance — come from animal foods.”

It's really that simple. If you want someone to sit in a cubicle all day writing code for you, feel free to offer up soy burgers and tofurkey in the cafeteria. But if you're looking for high-energy, adrenaline-fueled performance out of people pushing the limits of human athletics, animals are going to have to be sacrificed. Tasty animals. That's why our farmers breed and raise them. And that's why world records keep getting broken. Because we keep getting more efficient at providing animal proteins to the human population. Making it more plentiful, cheaper, and safer than at any time in history. 

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And while the French have been as good as anyone at making them taste good, they dropped the ball for the Olympics. Intentionally, from the sound of it. They bent the knee to some tiny faction of weirdos who think they can rewrite everything we know about biology. Who'd rather pretend you can get high performance out of the human body with lettuce and sprouts. And stranger still, convince the visitors you've invited from around the world they like grazing on this garbage. But as Homer Simpson said 30 years ago, "You don't win friends with salad.":

Or, in the words of the great Ron Swanson, "There must be some mistake. You've brought me the food my food eats.":

So hopefully, lesson learned, Paris. Stick with what you do best and the world will appreciate you for it. If not, they'll do emergency airlifts of vital meat supplies like it's Berlin in the early '60s. You'd better being paying attention, Los Angeles, 2028.