Texas Assistant Jeff Banks Married Jerry Springer Show Legend Danielle 'The Pole Assassin,' Proving Love Truly Does Conquer All

Tim Warner. Getty Images.

If the Bronte sisters, Lifetime Original Movies and the cheap paperbacks they sell by the magazine rack in WalMart are any indication, true romance is rarely a straight line from first meeting to a lifetime of marital bliss. There are twists and turns, detours, side roads, and getting lost along the way. But those miscues only make the journey that much more interesting when you get your fairy tale Happily Ever After. 

And such appears to be the case with U. of Texas special teams assistant Jeff Banks, who jumped the broom over the weekend with his one true love. You may remember these two star-crossed lovers from a couple of years ago. And the crazy turn their love story took:

[Banks is] noted for several things. One for being the fruit of Nick Saban's coaching tree. Two, for being a hot commodity with a bright future. And three, for leaving his wife and kids for a stripper who made a name for herself on Jerry Springer a while back. 

And that name is Pole Assassin.

But life as the GOAT of Jerry Springer strippers isn't all sexy outfits, finding baby donors, breaking up marriages, and the love and adulation of a lowest common denominator audience. It takes a lot of work to climb to the top of the low rent TV show stripper ladder. And sometimes even the GOAT needs help. Which is why Pole Assassin got herself a comfort monkey. As one would when one is in need of emotional support. 

But unfortunately, the little primate reportedly gave a great deal of discomfort to a Trick-or-Treater Sunday:

For her part, Pole Assassin, whose superhero secret identity answers to the name Danielle Thomas, gave her side of the story on Twitter:

And was defended by some powerful, influential people:

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Even as some saw the incident as an opportunity to drive a wedge between Banks and Thomas:

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Well do not despair. Because this romantic saga combining love, loss, pain, accusations, betrayal and emotional support monkeys does have a happy ending after all:

If you have even the tiniest bit of empathy, a single romantic bone in your body, one synapse in your brain capable of feeling joy for another human being, you have to be happy for these two after all they've been through. If you're in love with the idea of love, this is a genuine reason to celebrate. If not, I feel bad for you. On behalf of everyone who's taken joy at the personal journey of Banks, Thomas, and their fur baby, congratulations on your blessed event. And best wishes for a long and happy marriage. Not like you'll need it. 

Jerry Springer's eye for talent remains unmatched in all of TV history.