Brand New Dating App Forces Men to Submit Pictures of Their Hands, Matches Couples Using State of The Art Penis Predicting Technology

John Rich7/15/2024 7:10 PM

AndreyPopov. Getty Images.

Ladies, are you sick of this happening to you? You match with a seemingly appropriate proportioned man on one of the big dating apps. You meet up at the local watering hole for drinks and apps. The conversation is grand. You bond over the fact that you both love a night out on the town, but at the same time can get down with a chill evening in watching movies on the couch. Everything is going great.

But something unsettling happens. You notice his hands for the first time. Did you order the mozzarella sticks or a plate of baseball bats? You would think the latter when he reaches for one. But at this point it's too late. He bought you two margaritas and a $12 appetizer. What type of woman would you be if you didn't have sex with him now? When you get back to his place and he drops his pants to his knees to present his penis, the results are even worse than you thought. You're forced to pull out your magnifying glass just to tell if he's circumcised.

Well don't worry ladies. Your days of small penis surprises are over. There's a new dating app on the market that will put an end to these nightmare situations for good.

Daily Mail - The creator of a dating app that predicts the size of a man's penis using images of his hands has opened up about how she created the risque program.

Triin Randloo, 40, had always been curious about whether the age-old theory that the size of a man's hands could determine the length of his appendage - a curiosity that ultimately led her to launch new dating site, SizeHim.

The handy tool works by scanning a photo of a woman's hand and matching it to a man who has similar proportions, with Triin explaining that experts suggest couples who have relative sizes will enjoy better sex together.

Thanks to innovative, never-before-seen hand measuring technology developed by 40-year old genius Triin Randloo, you'll be assured that you and your date's sexual organs are a perfect match before you've even met face to dick.

How exactly does it work? Well as we all know, there are 7 different types of penises.

The site uses these calculations to tell you which one of seven penises you matched with.

The options are curved up banana/C-shape, bender, cucumber, big shaft, big head, mushroom or pencil, while also sharing some sex advice.

Kirki Kubri, a sex specialist who worked on SizeHim, spoke to the New York Post about how your hands could reveal more than you think.

'Our bodies vary inside and out, two partners are like a puzzle, so it helps a lot if body parts are clicking like they're made for each other,' Kirki said.

According to the publication, one description of a penis who fell into the 'big head' category read: 'Get ready for earth-shattering sex!'

It also suggested that these lovers try 'The Crab' position when getting tangled up in bed sheets.

Who would have thought that by simply measuring the proportions of your hands in 20 different ways, a woman can tell whether or not you're a big shaft or a bender. I always thought the hand-to-penis size correlation was a myth. But apparently the problem is we weren't measuring the hands closely enough. And Triin Randaloo, the sales coach/personal trainer from an Estonian business school is the one who finally cracked the code.

A new era is upon us. Now, once you and your date come to realize you both share a unique passion for adventure, you'll be in the car home looking forward to a night of crab position sex without fear of this happening once again.

Ivan-balvan. Getty Images.

Ok but realistically this can't work right? Even a little bit? I'll buy that one's hand measurements can help predict the size of their dick. But this broad is trying to tell us that by measuring hands she can tell which type of penis (of which there are 7) a man has? There's no way. I gotta see the proof. I need to plug my hands into this thing and see what they think my dick looks like. Imagine being a man of average to below average size who signs up for SizeHim, and the results spit out that you have a 12-inch cucumber. What do you even do with that? Sure it'll help you get your foot in the door with a lot of ladies. But then what? Just play along and hope when the time comes she just rolls with it? Or is it gonna be one of these situations all over again.