Dumping Them Out: Do The Secret Service Need Sunglasses?

Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. The post-Donald Trump assassination attempt episode. I was going to say this is the first assassination attempt of any sort across the world that I can even remember. But then I looked it up and was reminded of North Korea. Kim Jong Un had his brother assassinated in 2017 for having the wrong haircut. But North Korea doesn't really count. And Osama Bin Laden was NOT an assassination. I looked that up too. I thought maybe it technically would be because it was for "political reasons", but his murder was deemed lawful by international humanitarian law. Therefore it's not an assassination. So unless I'm forgetting something then that was the first one. That asshole who shot him really fucked up my Saturday afternoon. All I wanted to do was watch Netflix's new Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders documentary and have nap. But he just had to go try and kill the President. You can't take a nap after someone tries to kill the President. It's your patriotic duty to get on your phone and watch people fight about it on the internet. 

Also I have a question about the Secret Service. If I were a Secret Service agent, and some serious shit went down like it did yesterday, the sunglasses are coming off. I don't care how cool they look. If a presidential candidate is shot, and it's complete chaos all around me, I don't need dark ass sunglasses on my face impeding my vision. Or is that just me? Do people who are used to wearing sunglasses all the time think that they can see better with them? All I know is every time I'm wearing sunglasses and there's something I want to get a good look at, I instinctively tilt my sunglasses down so I can see better. Plus, what if in all the commotion you get knocked in the head and your glasses get all whopper jawed? Then you gotta take the time to adjust them all all that. Every second matters. Are wearing sunglasses really that important? Is it supposed to be an intimidating thing? Are they protecting their identities? Are their identities really that important? I just don't get why the glasses are so necessary. 

I saw someone on Twitter say that Biden should one up Trump and come out as gay. Thought that was funny. Wished I'd have thought it.

And of course whenever there's a massive, gigantic event that shakes the world to it's core, there's always a much lower level celebrity who dies at the same time and gets completely overshadowed. Yesterday that person was Richard Simmons. Everyone keeps saying, "Poor Richard Simmons, he died and nobody gives a shit". But let's be honest… if the Trump assassination attempt didn't happen yesterday, would you still be thinking about Richard Simmons? Of course not. Unless like… his 1980's fitness infomercials saved your life or something. If anything this puts Richard Simmons death more on the radar. For the rest of my life, if you ask me what I was doing the day Richard Simmons died, I'll be able to tell you. I was watching the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders documentary. There's not many people I can do that for. I think the list is Osama Bin Laden, Kobe Bryant, my Grandpa Maynard, and Richard Simmons. Pretty rare company. RIP Richard Simmons. You were perfectly annoying on those exercise tapes.

I just finished watching Carlos Alcaraz beat Djokovic in the Wimbledon final. I haven't watched a lot of tennis in my life, but everyone must think he's going to be the best player of all-time right? That was the most impressive tennis I can ever recall watching. He already has 4 majors at age 21. I know Djokovic is older and coming off a knee surgery, but he didn't even look like he belonged on the court with him. After watching that it's hard for me to even imagine him ever losing a tennis match again. But Carlos… if you're reading this, you gotta do something about those teeth. They're very yellow.

ANL. Shutterstock Images.

I guess they don't look too yellow in that picture. Just weird. Maybe the sun reflecting off the Wimbledon grass today was giving you some bad lighting. But the first thing my fiancée said when he held up the trophy was, "Ew gross, look at his teeth."

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This is a bit of a pot calling kettle black situation, because I have pretty horrible teeth myself. I was very quiet last week when the internet was roasting Nicky Smokes for having 9 cavities. But if you plan to cruise to 4 major tournament wins per year for the next 15-20 years of your life, you're going to have a lot of up close 12K shots of you smiling with a trophy. That's a lot of attention on your teeth. And every time you win Wimbledon you have to have an up close conversation with Kate Middleton. Who looks fantastic and perfectly healthy btw. 

Just find the best teeth whitener in Spain and they'll fix you right up. I know it kinda hurts, but if you pay them enough they'll probably let you go under for it. Anyways, congrats on all the success. Very impressive stuff.