Running With The Bulls Offers a Unique Opportunity to Cheer for Humans to Be Gored

Yesterday marked the first day of Spain's annual Running of the Bulls. Until very recently (5 minutes ago) I was under the impression that Spain ran their bulls just one day per year. Turns out that's not the case. The Running of the Bulls is an 8 day festival that runs every year from July 7th-July 14th. Every morning at 8am, folks from around the world congregate on a narrow street in Pamplona where they wait for 6 pissed off bulls to be released upon them. A bunch of drunk dudes dressed in white run down the street along with the bulls for a half mile stretch the leads to an open bullfight ring. Well.. usually it's open. Last year they forgot to open the gate.

But when the gate is open, inside of the ring, a man dressed in a flamboyant costume dances around with the bull for a few minutes until it's tired out (i.e. the drugs they gave it kick in), and then stab the bull through the heart with a sword. The crowd the goes wild. PETA throws a fit. The bulls all die. It's a Spanish tradition that dates back to the 1300's.

Archive Farms. Getty Images.

I'm not going to be the morality police here. I eat at minimum 3 cheeseburgers per week. It would be hypocritical of me to act like I'm better than this. Personally, if I were a bull, I think I'd rather go out as a hero than on an assembly line in a slaughterhouse. Although I bet the whole bull running experience is pretty terrifying for them. It's likely a miserable way to go out. Idk. I can't get into the mind of a bull. I'm not here to tell Spain what they should or should not do with their bulls either. Plus, the whole thing looks like a hell of a time.

However, I do strongly believe that if you're a person putting yourself in a bull running situation, then you deserve whatever happens to you. If you want to fuck around with a pissed off 1,000-pound horned animal in a confined space, and you get gored through the pelvis, I'm not going to feel the slightest bit bad for you. In fact, I'm probably going to cheer for that to happen. If you're going to get hammered and taunt a group of drugged up bulls that have been intentionally spooked by some asshole shooting off fireworks… if you want the cheers and the glory that comes with running just a few feet in front of the bulls horns… then you're signing up for spectators like myself to root for the bull to stick it's snout between your legs, jerk it's head upwards, and launch you 100 feet into the sky. Or be trampled. Either way is satisfying.

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And if you're a matador I'm rooting against you even harder. Matadors are some of the biggest cowards going. They're already at a massive advantage considering they have human brains and a sharp weapon. But to make things even more unfair, the matadors will do things like shave the bulls horns ahead of time (which apparently throws their balance way off), rub petroleum jelly in their eyes so they can barely see, apply a "corrosive substance" to their legs, stuff shit into the bull's nose so it can barely breathe, and of course inject them with a shit load of bull drugs. Then once the bull is 90% dead, they take their big long sword and shove it through the heart. It's the least fair fight in the history of fights, and the crowd goes wild for him like he's a hero.

I'm not going to go as far as saying I cheer for them to be killed. I don't want to publicly wish death on anyone. A famous matador actually was killed several years ago and it was extremely sad. But the Running of the Bulls provides a unique opportunity for us to cheer for other humans to be violently injured without feeling guilty about it. That's what makes the event so thrilling. Almost every person involved gets out of there scot-free. There have only been 15 reported deaths since they started keeping track in the early 1900's. Considering the event has been going on since the late 1300's… there's 48 bulls who run per year… about 2,000 people running every day…. my rough calculations have the score at Humans 9,600,000 - Bulls 100. But whenever you see a bull win one… 

Go get 'em bulls.