TWO QUESTIONS: Should The Homeless Own Dogs? … AND … Are The Beer Games Just An Excuse To Hug Other Shirtless Dudes?

LMPC. Getty Images.

Let’s tackle that first question… Well… First.

If there are two things I love in this world it’s dogs and having a home. And owning the latter makes owning the former a much more enjoyable experience for both parties (me and the dog). 

But this morning, I spied a homeless fella temporarily living outside our office with two beautiful-but-filthy mutts. The gentleman looked miserable and the dogs seemed even worse, but at least there was a bowl filled with fresh water for the pups and someone had dropped off a couple of bones for them to gnaw on while their owner looked for a vein. 

I can't comment on the homeless guy’s nor the dogs’ quality of life beyond what I saw as I passed by making as little eye contact as humanly possible, but I felt sorry for all three of them nonetheless. And even though I hold no animosity towards the vagrant, I felt even more sorry for the dogs. 

Perhaps those mongrels are loved but they can’t possibly be receiving the proper nutrition and medical attention that all good boys deserve, so even though I am not going to do a damn thing about it myself, I’d like to see those dogs taken away until their owner gets back on his feet or perhaps given an actual home once he dies (God forbid). 

Now, onto the Beer Ga(y)mes. 

There is a very fine line between horseplay and dry-humping, and most of the footage I’ve seen from this year’s festivities seems to tread dangerously into humping territory.

Shit, I just watched Taylor Lewan and a couple of other shirtless bears go after Big Cat like he was Andy in the laundry room scene from Shawshank Redemption. 

This is not to say any of the participants are homosexual, but even someone as manly as me yearns for another man’s touch every now and again, and the Beer Games seems like the perfect outlet to scratch that hunky itch. 

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But it's probably just me… So to nip any more of my repressed urges in the bud, I’ve muted any posts containing the words “beer” or “games” for the next 72 so the friends of Will and Taylor can go about their business without me calling them “friends of Dorothy” instead. 

I have a lot of skeletons in my closet already, I don't need to cram "masturbates to flip-cup footage" in there, as well.

Enjoy the chuggin’ and the huggin’ boys… See you in 72 hours. And maybe this year's winners should get a couple of dogs as a reward… I know a guy who is probably open to offers. 

Take a report. 

-Large