The War On Pickle: Biggest Scumbag In America Has Been Going Around New York Cutting Down Pickleball Nets
CBS -- Police say a vandal has been targeting pickleball courts in Riverside Park. He has allegedly struck three times in the last week, slashing nets and throwing out equipment in the trash.
Pickleball has surged in popularity, and the courts are always packed in Riverside Park. However, someone seems to have it in for the fast-growing sport. Players say a vandal has struck the courts near 110th Street multiple times since May 18.
Anyone with half a functioning brain can see exactly what's going on here. This dude's old lady caught the pickleball bug and she caught it hard. She's spending a ton of money on the newest paddles. She's spending countless hours at the courts dialing in her game. She's at the point where she's starting to play in a few tournaments, and she found a mixed doubles partner to play with.
He might be a few years older but he's in better shape, he's better looking, he has more money, makes her laugh, and most importantly he treats her with respect. Makes her feel like she's actually in a partnership. She feels seen. She feels valued. And all she can think about all day is getting to the courts to get a few games in with him.
She tells him not to worry about the "John Pickleball" who keeps texting her every day telling her about how soft her dinks are getting. He's just a guy she plays with sometimes. But he knows something is going on there. He feels his marriage slipping away because he's treated her like shit and taken her for granted for a decade. So instead of taking a look in the mirror and using this as a chance for some introspection, he goes out to the courts every night to cut down the nets so they can't play. It's a tale as old as time.
Little does this jabroni know, however, that what doesn't kill pickleball only makes us stronger. You think that cutting down the nets is going to stop a group of 45 pickleball addicted maniacs from getting some games going every night? Think again, pal. It'll be 0-0-2 again before you know it. Maybe tennis players would give it up. Maybe they'd call it quits. Most tennis courts are already empty enough as is. But one simply does not just play pickleball. It becomes a part of your life. Sometimes it even gets more important than your family. You're going to have to do a lot more than just cut down a bunch of nets every night if you're going to stop someone from playing pickle.
