The French are Organizing a Protest Against the Paris Olympics Where Everyone Will Poop in the River Seine

BERTRAND GUAY. Getty Images.

There are so many complicated, intricate and complex issues in the world today. Ones we find ourselves grappling with on a daily basis. Many of them with compelling arguments to be made on both sides. Often they're rooted in ancient histories that are extremely difficult to sort out. Still others are based on completely contradictory arguments, yet with all the opposing forces claiming the facts are on their side and their side alone. Making it damned near choose the moral stance that will put you on the so-called "right side of history." 

So I've come up with my own solution to these situations where the truth is subjective and perception is based on one's own biased perspective. When in doubt, I look to the people doing the protesting. And whichever side has the worst collection of assholes is the one I go against. So for instance, if you're throwing cans of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom at a piece of priceless art, or gluing your hand to a bridge, I want to find out what your cause is for the sole purpose of being against it. For all I care, you could be protesting in favor of getting me a marital Hall Pass to bone Monica Bellucci. But if you do it in a way that prevents some guy from getting his mother to her chemo treatment, I'm organizing the "Keep Old Balls Monogamous" counter demonstration.

It's by no means a perfect plan. And once in a great while it might have you going against your own belief system. But as a general rule, it's a handy method for sorting out the complexities of life. Take, for example, sports. If you're not sure who to root for to win a championship because you're a neutral, check to see which team's fans trashed their city the last time they won, and go against them because garbage humans don't deserve to celebrate anything. Easy peasy. 

Which brings me to the French, who have excelled at several art forms throughout their history. Food. Wine. Pretentious, incomprehensible cinema. Kissing. And protests. 

These, after all, are the people who fought a revolution against the monarchy, beheaded their king and queen, soon stuck the head of their leader Robespierre into the guillotine as well, then cheered Napoleon on as he crowned himself Emperor. In recent decades, they had 20-year-olds rioting in the streets at the mere suggestion the retirement age might get pushed back two years. And had farmers dumping piles of manure in front of government buildings over increased regulations. The French are to protests what they are at treating tourists with snide contempt. They might not have invented it, but they have perfected it. 

And the latest slow moving target to wind up in their crosshairs is the Paris Olympics:

Source - Drop of pork prices? Release piglets in supermarkets in western France. Low prices of eggs? Smash 200,000 yolks. Changes in tobacco packaging? Leave four tonnes of carrots outside the Socialist Party offices.

Protesting – in particular, radical acts of rebellion – are embedded in the French’s relationship with the government.

And next on the list is the £1.2 billion state-backed plan to clean up the Seine in Paris ahead of this summer’s Olympic Games.

People are now organising a ‘sht flashmob’ in the river on the day that president Emmanuel Macron and mayor of Paris, Anne Hidalgo, promised to take a swim in it to prove that their efforts are not in vain.

The hashtag #JeChieDansLaSeineLe23Juin, which translates to ‘I sht in the Seine on June 23’ began trending on X last week after she announced the date of her dip.

A website with the same name was also set up, where participants can enter the location where they are planning to defecate.

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‘Because after putting us in sht it is up to them to bathe in our sht,’ a message on it read. This is also the slogan of the campaign.

A posted announcing the event, which is circulating on X, says: ‘On Sunday, June 23, we expect many of you to come and take a sh*t in the Seine!’

This is a prime example of one of those complex issues I can't pretend to have a full grasp of. Until I read this, I wouldn't have been able to name the Mayor of Paris on a Jeopardy! question if the clue was filled with hints. But she can't exactly be to her city what Guy Fieri is to Flavortown if her citizens are timing their dukers just for the satisfaction of getting their feces on her.

ANTON KARLINER. Shutterstock Images.

However I do have to admit a certain bias against the Olympics on the whole. I'll watch some of them, to be sure. But there's no getting around the fact the IOC is rotten to the core. They're corrupt enough to make even the NCAA look like the United Federation of Planets by comparison. They're like a plague of locusts that descends upon a different city every two years and devours everything in its path. The only host cities that survive are the ones that are already run by oligarchs who stand to make money themselves, like Sochi and Beijing. The one positive thing Boston has done in decades was telling 2028 Summer Games to piss all the way off because they wouldn't guarantee no public money would go into hosting their little company picnic. So now LA is stuck with them instead. Good luck with that, suckers. 

That said, I want to hate this Poop Protest, but I can't seem to bring myself to. There's something eloquent about it. Something so profound. And very much on point. Something just so French. The fecal matter will get on their Mayor. The vox populi will be heard. Then once their point is made, the Seine will carry their finless brownfish out to sea. No harm, only some foul.

 If you're only going to get your own human wast on your elected official, this is the way to do it. Let's just hope they save some of that poop for the kleptocrats who'll be showing up to turn Parisian's lives upside down for two weeks. Then everyone gets to go back to figuring out the the next thing to get angry and indignant about. Chef's kiss to the people who invented it.