Grading Every NFL Team's Draft Based on Names Alone (All 257 Draft Picks Included)

This might end up being one of the more ambitious blogs I've ever written. Not creative wise, but length wise. Judging 257 total names in a single blog has the potential to be thousands of words. Not that I'm going to hit on every one. But knowing me, I'm not going to be able to help myself from going way too deep into this. I pre-apologize for what you're about to read. Maybe just skip ahead to your team if you don't have an hour to kill. 

But I wanted to write this blog because as a dumb-brained football fan, I put a lot of stock into names. Having a good name in the NFL greatly improves your chances of success. Well... it doesn't... but it does. I definitely don't have any facts to back this up, but I feel like a player with a memorable name is more likely to get an extra shot or two at making a roster.

How do I judge a name you ask? I have no clue. It's a gut thing. I know that I don't like forgettable or boring names. Smith, Jones, Adams, Jefferson, etc. Sure, there are plenty of successful players with those names, but there are WAY more of them who's names you read once then never think about again. 

I like a unique name. A name that sticks in your head (unless it's really gross). I don't like nerdy names. I LOVE a name that sounds fast. Names with a lot of vowels pique my interests. Hyphens and apostrophes are always encouraged. And I like a classic football names. Any time I see a Sanders, Rice, or Moss, I'm convinced they're going to be a stud. And let's just call a spade a spade. White people have the worst names. That's just a fact of life. I'm sorry if that offends.

But for the most part I'm just going on instinct. Let's see how this plays out. Hope you have some time.

Also, I've decided to color code the names.

Green = Good

Red = Bad

Blue = Noteable 

Black = Nothing

NOTE: I ended up dialing this back. It's still way too long, but I think it's a little more manageable. 

Arizona Cardinals (D+)

Marvin Harrison Jr. (WR), Darius Robinson (DE), Max Melton (CB), Trey Benson (RB), Isiah Adams (G), Tip Reiman (TE), Elijah Jones (CB), Dadrion Taylor-Demerson (S), Xavier Thomas (EDGE)

Aside from Marvin Harrison Jr. being a classic football name (literally), this is a dog shit list. Couldn't be more forgettable. Usually hyphenated names are cool, but Taylor-Dermerson sounds like a skin disease. Tip has potential for a defensive player, but the last thing you want your TE doing is tipping the football.

Atlanta Falcons (C-)

Michael Penix Jr. (QB), Ruke Orhorhoro (DT), Bralen Trice (OLB), Brandon Dorlus (DT), J.D. Bertrand (LB), Jase McClellan (RB), Casey Washington (WR), Zion Louge (DT)

The Penix Jr. joke is played out, but before you can be played out you have to be great. 

Players with O names always seem to make big plays on defense (Brian Orakpo, Osi Umenyiora…. ok well at least that's 2 of them). But when you say Orhorhoro out loud it sounds like you're choking on marbles. Dorlus and Bertrand are old lady names. Bralen Trice is nothing to write home about, but you can at least do the "Bralen Trice, real name no gimmicks" thing. when he makes a tackle.

Baltimore Ravens (A-)

Nate Wiggins (CB), Roger Rosengarten (OT), Adisa Isaac (EDGE), Devontez Walker (WR), T.J. Tampa (CB), Rasheen Ali (RB), Devin Leary (QB), Nick Samac (C), Sanoussi Kane (S)

Some heavy hitters on the Ravens here (aside from Roger Rosengarten who sounds more like a financial advisor than a football player). Adisa Isaac & Rasheen Ali are very smooth, very fast sounding names. Anybody named Devontez is destined to play WR in the NFL (nice combo of Dez & Davante). No clue what Sanoussi Kane's chances of making the team are, but if he's cut in the pre-season, Sanoussi Kane is one of those names that earns you at least one (maybe two) more chances at making a roster. 

Buffalo Bills (B)

Keon Coleman (WR), Cole Bishop (S), DeWayne Carter (DT), Ray Davis (RB), Sedrick Van Pran-Granger (C), Edefuan Ulofoshio (LB), Javon Solomon (EDGE), Tylan Grable (OT), Daequan Hardy (CB), Travis Clayton (OT)

Ulofoshio I love. More vowels than consonants in a 16-letter name is impressive. Sedrick Van Pan-Granger is either the best or worst name in the draft. Before seeing a picture, I couldn't tell you if he's black, Dutch, Indian or Chinese. The Bills also drafted Lil' Wayne. 

Carolina Panthers (C-)

Xavier Legette (WR), Jonathan Brooks (RB), Trevin Wallace (LB), Ja'Tavion Sanders (TE), Chau Smith-Wade (CB), Jaden Crumedy (DT), Michael Berrett (LB)

Ja'Tavion Sanders is good. I'll take an apostrophe first name + Sanders last name on my team any day in. We have another Asian leaning name in Chau. Not sure if it's a football name though. Google says it's Vietnamese in origin. If this were a "having an oven in your garage" draft he would be firmly #1. I had a Vietnamese friend who one told me that's a thing. Not sure if it's true.

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Chicago Bears (C+)

Caleb Williams (QB), Rome Odunze (WR), Kiran Amegadjie (OT), Troy Taylor (P), Austin Booker (EDGE)

There's a lot of interesting things about Caleb Williams, but his name isn't one of them. Rome Odunze on the other hand is a top 10 talent, and quite possibly a top 10 name in the entire draft. Amegadjie is fun to say out loud, but I'm a bit concerned about how it's going to look at the back of a uniform.

Cincinnati Bengals (D+)

Amarius Mims (OT), Kris Jenkins (DT), Jermaine Burton (WR), McKinnley Jackson (DT), Erick All (TE), Josh Newton (CB), Tanner McLachlan (TE), Cedric Johnson (EDGE), Daijahn Anthony (S), Matt Lee (C)

The Bengals had 10 picks and couldn't land on a good name for the life of them. "All" is not a name. It's a pronoun. Say it 50 times in a row and tell me you don't sound like an idiot. It's honestly more of a noise than a word. Matt Lee is as boring as it gets. Tanner McLachlan should be playing lacrosse for Notre Dame. If they didn't have a handful of decent first names (Amarius, Cedric, Daijahn) the Bengals would be in F territory.

Cleveland Browns (B+)

Mike Hall Jr. (DT), Zak Zinter (G), Jamari Thrash (WR), Nathanial Watson (LB), Myles Harden (CB), Jowon Briggs (DT)

Zak Zinter is carrying the whites on his back this draft. I don't care what your name is, if you're initials are Z.Z. I'm going to respect it. There aren't many Z.Z.'s in the world. The last name Thrash is special as well. Just check out these Google definitions

Hell yeah brother. Kinda wish they didn't include 'or animal' in the first definition. I'd rather not think about that. But the name is hardcore. You can't deny that.

Jowon Briggs isn't especially noteworthy, but I always appreciate when people take a normal name and switch out some vowels for seemingly no reason whatsoever.

Dallas Cowboys (C+)

Tyler Guyton (OT), Marshawn Kneeland (EDGE), Cooper Beebe (G), Marist Liufau (LB), Caelen Carson (CB), Ryan Flournoy (WR), Nathan Thomas (OT), Justin Rogers (DT)

With a name like Marist Liufau you instantly know you're dealing with a large Samoan. 35% of all Samoan men have success in the National Football League. I love the name Beebe for a guard. It's ironic because Beebe (assuming it's pronounced bee-bee), sounds like something small, but in reality it's a 6' 3", 335 pound monster human. 

Denver Broncos (B-)

Bo Nix (QB), Jonah Elliss (EDGE), Troy Franklin (WR), Kris Abrams-Draine (CB), Audric Estimé (RB), Devaughn Vele (WR), Nick Gargiulo (C)

I know I like Devaughn Vele. The V's hit hard in that one. I'm reluctantly giving Bo Nix a "good" grade. I've been watching him so long that my opinion of his name is tainted by me not liking him as a player. But objectively, Bo Nix is a name you remember. I've been disappointed in the hyphenated names so far this year. Estimé would be tremendous if his first name ended in a vowel. For example, his name was Armani Estimé, he'd be a borderline hall of famer .

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Detroit Lions (A)

Terrion Arnold (CB), Ennis Rakestraw Jr. (CB), Giovanni Manu (OT), Sione Vaki (RB), Mehi Wingo (DT), Christian Mahogany (G)

That's how you draft some fucking names. The Detroit Lions hosted the draft this year and decided that they were going to announce some bangers. Rakestraw could be a weapon in a horror movie. I can picture it now. An deranged maintenance man sneaks up on an innocent cheerleader and slashes her across the throat with his Rakestraw.

Giovanni Manu, Sione Vaki, and Mehi Wingo are all names you have to say in full. They flow too well together not to. All three could have been born on the same tropical island. The Lions by far have the best selection of names I've seen yet.

Green Bay Packers (B)

Jordan Morgan (OL), Edgerrin Cooper (LB), Javon Bullard (S), MarShawn Lloyd (RB), Ty'Ron Hopper (LB), Evan Williams (S), Jacob Monk (C), Kitan Oladapo (S), Travis Glover (OT), Michael Pratt (QB), Kalen King (CB)

I appreciate the stray, completely unnecessary capital S in the middle of MarShawn. Although as a running back he's definitely stealing a bit of Marshawn Lynch valor. I appreciate the stray apostrophe in Ty'Ron as well. The more apostrophes the better. Evan Williams is boring, but credit for being named after a shitty bourbon. And as I mentioned earlier, something in my head is tells me defensive players with O heavy names (Kitan Oladapo) perform well in the league.

Houston Texans (C)

Kamari Lassiter (CB), Blake Fisher (OT), Calen Bullock (S), Cade Stover (TE), Jamal Hill (LB), Jawhar Jordan (RB), Soloman Byrd (EDGE), Marcus Harris (DT), LaDarius Henderson (G)

Were going all black across the board. Kamari is a cool first name, but Lassiter blows. Blake Fisher is boring, but it is a classic offensive lineman name. I trust a Blake Fisher to protect my quarterback. Jawhar and Soloman could potentially be bad guys in a Disney movie who wear bejeweled turbans (i.e. Jafar in Aladdin). I guess that's something. Sorry, I won't waste any more of your time. Here's the video of Sketch announcing the Cade Stover pick.

Indianapolis Colts (C+)

Laiatu Latu (EDGE), Adonai Mitchell (WR), Matt Gonclaves (OT), Tanor Bortolini (C), Anthony Gould (WR), Jaylon Carlies (S), Jaylin Simpson (S), Micah Abraham (CB), Jonah Laulu (DT)

I'm a Colts fan so I'm being favorable to my own team here. But you have to admit, picking back to back Jaylon/Jaylin's at the same position is an interesting move. I'd like to see them on the field at the same time some day. Good luck beating the Colts defense deep with the Jaylon/Jaylin brothers over the top. I've already got a logo made up for them right here.

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Print the t-shirt's now Dave. These babies are gonna fly off the shelves faster than Adderall Diet

Jacksonville Jaguars (C-)

Brian Thomas Jr. (WR), Maason Smith (DT), Jarrian Jones (CB), Javon Foster (OT), Jordan Jefferson (DT), Deantre Prince (CB), Keilan Robinson (RB), Cam Little (K), Myles Cole (DE)

Always fun to take a regular name like Mason and make it stupider by adding an extra A. If only they'd put an apostrophe between them. And you have to give credit to the Jacksonville Jaguars drafting both Jarrian Jones and Jordan Jefferson. Terrific branding. I respect an organization who respects alliteration. 

Kansas City Chiefs (C-)

Xavier Worthy (WR), Kingsley Suamataia (OT), Jared Wiley (TE), Jaden Hicks (DB), Hunter Nourzad (OL), Kamal Hadden (DB), C.J. Hanson (OL)

Big fan of Kingsley. Someday I would like to have Basset Hound named Kingsley. Pair that with Suamataia and you got yourself true hog molly up front. Unfortunately, I think Nourzad is the worst name I've read all night. I get bad vibes anytime I see an word that starts with N and has a Z in the middle.

INTERMISSION

If you're still reading this then god bless you. You deserve a break. 

Las Vegas Raiders (C)

Brock Bowers (TE), Jackson Powers-Johnson (G), D.J. Glaze (OT), Decamerion Richardson (CB), Tommy Eichenberg (LB), Dylan Laube (RB), Trey Taylor (S), M.J. Davonshire (CB)

It's only fitting that after an intermission of Boob GIF's that hopefully powered your Johnson to the point of glazing, the Raiders give us both Jackson Powers-Johnson and D.J. Glaze. 

Sorry that joke was awful. I should have run that by Nick Turani first. He would have done it justice.

Los Angeles Chargers (C)

Joe Alt (OT), Ladd McConkey (WR), Junior Colson (LB), Justin Eboigbe (DT), Tarheeb Still (CB), Cam Hart (CB), Kimani Vidal (RB), Brenden Rice (WR), Cornelius Johnson (WR)

It's never a bad idea to draft a receiver named Rice. Especially when it's literally Jerry Rice's son. Ladd McConkey should be a cartoon character. Perhaps a whimsical child who wears a plaid kilt and plays the bagpipes on the shores of Loch Ness. I hope I never hear him speak because I like to imagine he has a thick Scottish accent. There's a joke I really want to make about Tarheeb Still, but I'm not going to do it. You're gonna have to figure that one out for yourselves.

Los Angeles Rams (D)

Jared Verse (EDGE), Braden Fiske (DT), Blake Corum (RB), Kamren Kinchens (S), Brennan Jackson (EDGE), Tyler Davis (DT), Joshua Karty (K), Jordan Whittington (WR), Beaux Limmer (C), K.T. Leveston (G)

Limmer sounds like another word for blow job. Kamren Kinchens initials being K.K. seems a bit dangerous. Please, whatever you do Kamren, do not start a morning show that revolves around coffee. We've had two of those at Barstool and both were disasters (somehow one is still going on, but it's only a matter of time before it brings down our whole company). 

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Aside from those two players, the Rams drafted an exceptionally dull list of names.

Miami Dolphins (C+)

Chop Robinson (EDGE), Patrick Paul (OT), Jaylen Wright (RB), Mohamed Kamara (EDGE), Malik Washington (WR), Patrick McMorris (S), Tahj Washington (WR)

I'd like to address Chop Robinson directly here. I know you're reading this, Chop. Every time you get a sack, I need you to do the "chop" celebration. You know, that thing Scott Van Pelt, Buster Olney, and every single MLB umpire do whenever the Braves win a baseball game.

Since Chop is your name, they can't even call you racist for doing it. But most importantly, you'll make Frank The Tanks head explode. He won't know how to process it. He'll be forced to embrace the chop. You may even force him into doing the chop himself some day. What a world that would be.

Also, it's interesting how this is the second instance of a team drafting 2 players at the same position with the same name in Malik Washington and Tahj Washington.at wide receiver. 

Minnesota Vikings (D+)

J.J. McCarthy (QB), Dallas Turner (EDGE), Khyree Jackson (CB), Walter Rouse (OT), Will Reichard (K), Michael Jurgens (C), Levi Drake Rodriguez (DT)

Imagine naming your child Walter in the year 2001. I didn't think Walter's under the age of 55 existed. If Michael Jurgens hadn't grown up as an athletic specimen, he would have been bullied heavily in grade school. 99% of Jurgens have sever pollen allergies and tape on their glasses. It appears Levi Drake Rodriguez just goes by his full name, middle name included? I guess that's noteworthy. Still a very vanilla draft from the Vikings. 

New England Patriots (C+)

Drake Maye (QB), Ja'Lynn Polk (WR), Caeden Wallace (OT), Layden Robinson (G), Javon Baker (WR), Marcellas Dial (CB), Joe Milton III (QB), Jaheim Bell (TE)

I'm running out of steam here guys. Not a lot to be excited about with the Patriots, but I will give them credit for drafting players with high wordplay potential.

"Drake Maye just be the answer in New England, folks!"

"They Polked the bear Jim!"

"Javon Baker goes for 13-yards and the score!" 
"That's a Baker's dozen Jim!"

"Marcellas is Dialed in today!"

"Drake to Bell across the middle for the first down"
"Speaking of Drake Bell did you see that Nickelodeon docume-"
"Stop talking Tony…"

And of course… if somehow, someway, Joe Milton ends up as the starting quarterback in New England… the Barstool Store is going to go berserk with a thousand different versions of MILTON TOUGH shirts. If only he didn't strictly throw 100 mph fastballs for passes.

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New Orleans Saints (A)

Taliese Fuaga (OT), Kool-Aid McKinstry (CB), Spencer Rattler (QB), Bub Means (WR), Jaylan Ford (LB), Khristian Boyd (DT), Josiah Ezirim (OT)

The Saints are neck-and-neck with the Lions for best name draft so far. Samoan names like Fuaga always hit. I have Kool-Aid McKinstry as the #1 name in the entire draft. He's almost certainly going to be in an ad with the Kool-Aid Man in a matter of days (wait never mind, it already happened)

If Spencer Rattler miraculously turns into a functional quarterback, the New Orleans Saints + snake combo has a lot of potential. Apparently the Saints have already once broken a Superdome curse with snake voodoo…

That has to mean something. I haven't even mentioned Bub Means yet. Bub Means has staying power. "Bub Means Business" could be a neat shirt (I'm stuck on wordplay now). New Orleans with a great name draft from top to bottom.

New York Giants (C-)

Malik Nabers (WR), Tyler Nubin (S), Andru Phillips (CB), Theo Johnson (TE), Tyrone Tracy Jr. (RB), Darius Muasau (LB)

'Nub-' is a rough start to a name. Makes me think people with nubs for arms. People with nubs for arms almost never make to the NFL.

Derik Hamilton. Shutterstock Images.

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But that's irrelevant. Tyler Nubin is a two-armed safety. However, Nubin also makes me think of the word "nubile". I heard from a friend that Nubile Films is a porn company. I wouldn't know anything about that, but I don't need my NFL players reminding me of porn. You gotta separate church and state there.

New York Jets (A-)

Olumuyiwa Fashanu (OT), Malachi Corley (WR), Braelon Allen (RB), Jordan Travis (QB), Isaiah Davis (RB), Qwan'tez Stiggers (CB), Jaylen Key (S)

Holy shit… I may have jumped the gun on Kool-Aid McKinstry being the best name in the draft. Qwan'tez Stiggers may take the cake. People said including a Q, W, and Z all in the same name couldn't be done. But his parents said "Hold my beer… watch this shit."

Jokes aside, Qwan'tez Stiggers has a very inspirational story. He's from a family of 13 kids. His father passed away in 2020 after a car crash, and Qwan'tez dropped out of football all together. He was working as a Door Dash driver at one point. He ended up getting back into football through the Fan Controlled Football League (which I forget even existed). He then had a short stint in the CFL where he won most outstanding rookie. The only college football he ever played was a short stint at Lane College, which was derailed due to covid prior to his father's accident. But in the end he fucking did it. He was drafted in the 5th round by the New York Jets. With that combination of name + story, Qwan'tez Stiggers is destined to be a success. 

Olumuyiwa Fashanu is a nice name and all. Jaylen Key is another name I like. But damn… I'm having a hard time looking past the strength of Qwan'tez Stiggers. I couldn't be rooting for the kid any harder.

Philadelphia Eagles (B)

Quinyon Mitchell (CB), Cooper DeJean (CB), Jalyx Hunt (EDGE), Will Shipley (RB), Ainias Smith (WR), Jeremiah Trotter Jr. (LB), Trevor Keegan (G), Johnny Wilson (WR), Dylan McMahon (C)

The Eagles got some great corners. Name-wise and skill wise. Hard to say whether a white cornerback from South Dakota with a French name can cover receivers in the NFL. The odds are stacked against him. He has the pressure of white across America relying on him to break the disgusting "whites can't play corner" stereotype that's been running rampant since the civil rights movement. But if anyone can do it, it's a man named Cooper Dejean.

Also, Jalyx could win a game of Scrabble on it's own if played correctly. 

Pittsburgh Steelers (C-)

Troy Fautanu (OT), Zach Frazier (C), Roman Wilson (WR), Payton Wilson (LB), Mason McCormick (G), Logan Lee (DT), Ryan Watts (CB)

An offensive lineman with "Fat" loosely incorporated into his name goes a long way, but boy do things drop off for the Steelers after that. 

San Francisco 49ers (C)

Ricky Pearsall (WR), Renardo Green (CB), Dominick Puni (G), Malik Mustapha (S), Isaac Guerendo (RB), Jacob Cowing (WR), Jarret Kingston (G), Tatum Bethune (LB)

Apologies to any Renardo's who might be reading this, but that's a Renarded name. No offense. Much like guard Cooper Beebe who was drafted by the Dallas Cowboys, points go to Dominick Puni for his ironic name. He's like the biggest guy in a biker gang who everyone calls Tiny. As it turns out, Puni isn't puny at all. He's 6'5", 315 pounds. 

Seattle Seahawks (C-)

Byron Murphy II (DT), Christian Haynes (G), Tyrice Knight (LB), AJ Barner (TE), Nehemiah Pritchett (CB), Sataoa Laumea (G), D.J. James (CB), Michael Jerrell (OT)

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I'm automatically giving Samoan/Polynesian players the thumbs up at this point. When I see a Polynesian name I think, "Yep, that guys got a bright future." It's truly impressive how many of them play in the NFL despite making up such a small portion of the world's people. I'm starting to think their entire population could be supported by the amount of money they make in NFL contracts alone. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (D+)

Graham Barton (C), Chris Braswell (EDGE), Tykee Smith (S), Jalen McMillan (WR), Bucky Irving (RB), Elijah Klein (G), Devin Culp (TE)

Bucky is either a top-tier athlete or a gritty blue collar worker somewhere in the south. It's either making big plays downfield, or opening up a body shop in Tuscaloosa. Some real unfortunate names otherwise. Devin Culp might be the worst of the day. 

Tennessee Titans (C)

J.C. Latham (OT), T'Vondre Sweat (DT), Cedric Gray (LB), Jarvis Brownlee Jr. (CB), Jha'Quan Jackson (WR), James Williams (S), Jaylen Harrell (EDGE)

Jha'Quan and T'Vondre's apostrophe game is strong. In case this wasn't made abundantly clear 20 teams ago, I obviously think black people have the coolest names. I don't think that's a crazy thing to say. They're just so much more creative. When white people try to get creative, that's when you end up with snooty lacrosse names like this.

I suppose some of those are kind of cool. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a fan of I.V. Stucker and Sky Dupree. Ok the more I look at this list I'm starting to love it. How come none of these names ever play sports other than lacrosse?

Washington Commanders (C)

Jayden Daniels (QB), Jer'Zhan Newton (DT), Mike Sainristil (CB), Ben Sinnott (TE), Brandon Coleman (G), Luke McCaffrey (WR), Jordan Magee (LB), Dominique Hampton (S), Javontae Jean-Baptiste (EDGE)

Thank god this is the last team. If I have to say, "_ has a tremendous apostrophe" one more time I'm going to jump out my 4th story window. That being said, Jer'Zhan Newton has a tremendous apostrophe. Javonte Jean-Baptiste reminds me of a 10 fingered Jason Pierre-Paul. Mike Sainristil though… that sucks to say, and sucks to spell. No thank you to that.

It's finally over. In just under 4,000 words. If you made it to the finish line, give yourself on the back. Or re-evaluate your life. Either one works.