This List Of "The Wildest Lies A Man Has Ever Told Women" Is Hilarious

This past weekend at work I overheard some of the female servers and bartenders that work for us talking about something and cracking up laughing as one would come and go, walking by the rest of the group, dropping something I couldn't hear that would result in the group cackling hysterically. 

Being the nosy fuck that I am I immediately sidled up to the weakest link in the group onde she was alone and asked, "so, what the heck have you girls all been laughing about?" secretly triple checking that my fly wasn't down. Praying it wasn't something worse.

She said it was this Instagram post (above) and that when she got back to her station she'd show it to me.

When I saw, "crazybitchprobs" and that it was a meme account I figured it was just bot garbage on Zuckerberg's sewer platform, but upon reading the comments I realized I was wrong.

Some of these, to quote Rod Blagojevich, "are fuckin golden". 

See, guys and girls all lie. Everybody does. It's part of the reason the divorce rate is like 69% in this country. The difference is men are just morons. And when they lie, that idiocy shines through, bright and strong. 

Women on the other hand are fucking sinister. When they lie, they're able to shut down their heart rates, think more clearly than they ever do normally, and make picture-perfect eye contact. They’re basically reptiles when you really think about it. It's why women make such better spies than men. 

So when you're reading these, laughing to yourself about what mamalukes us guys are, seeing the gals bash us left and right for thinking any of these would ever fly, just know where they're coming from. If lying was an Olympic sport, they'd all be gold medalists.

Brutal look Louie. Can’t be putting that on the woman who brought you into the world. Mark this -1

Maybe he was sponsored. Did you ever consider that?

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I have so many questions here I don’t even know where to begin.

Guys math clearly stipulates you always multiply by 3. Everybody knows the rules. 

Tough. 

This one’s on the roommate. Everybody knows when you kill one of your best friends off they enter into a legally binding contract where they lay low for the rest of time. As a VERY last resort you pretend you’re a foreigner and don’t speak English. Can’t just go down with no fight.

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Cro?

I’m no therapist but I think this man has a problem.

Respect.

Unless you've ever been in a coma I don't think you should be allowed to judge. Just saying…

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Cro again?

The amount of dedication this had to have taken is actually impressive.

Gotta pass the time somehow.

(Sidebar - I actually had an ex do this with Raya while we were together. Some trust fund guy I know in LA screen shot her profile and sent to me asking if it was her. It was. Called her out and she said she was on there to “network”)

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This one escalated quickly. 

How the fuck do you not mention what movie??? We NEED to know. Was it “Catch Me If You Can”? “Batman”? “Boogie Nights?” How do you just leave that out. Classic woman.

Somewhere Joey Grieco smiles…

How many private eyes do women keep employed in this country? All of them? 

Ever been paintballing lady? Clearly not. That shit hurts.

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Listen. Part of the joys of having a dog are being able to pin a lot of things on them. You let one rip that you think was going to be scentless but actually winds up being a silent killer? "Damn dog has the worst gas ever! Must have ate something!" All basic level shit like that is in play. Dogs are such saintly animals that if they could talk they would tell us they gladly accept taking the fall for shit like this. They're our best friends after all. 

But part of that unspoken agreement between canines and humans is that when it comes to major shit, we never make them look bad. I'm talking about stuff like devouring condoms. That's just flat out disgusting and depraved behavior that no dog would lower themselves to. Poor form by this guy here. Bad dog owner. 

Just casually napping with your sister bro?

Only guys will double down on a lie by making it far far worse than the crime. 

Honestly would not put this past a female. 

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This one made me laugh out loud. Reminds me of THE MOST UNDERRATED/UNDERAPPRECIATED Adam Sandler movie ever- “That’s My Boy”.

Hey, it happens.

Now we’re just openly shaming American heroes who put themselves in harms way to protect our freedom? Thanks Obama.

“I’m not crazy, you’re crazy.”

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Genius tier thinking here.

Actually know a psychotic bitch who did this to a guy I know. Think this lady is projecting here. This is a female move.

Imagine pitching your mom on this idea? 

Funerals and births are basically the same thing when you really think about it. I think Plato said that. Circle of life. Ever heard of it?

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(As the frat guys suddenly get very quiet)

Lame.

Glove don’t fit you must acquit.

Guarantee this girl has never even heard of the 21 foot rule. 

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Wait. It's not?

Does this qualify as "stolen valor"? 

This ones laugh out loud funny I’m sorry. This guy put in more work pretending to have a job than if he just went out and got one. 

This sounds like something Nicky Smokes would pull.

Sick burn. 

I got nothing for this one. 

Sounds like sound medical advice.

This lady is lucky to be alive.

Love this move. Straight out of the Costanza playbook.

And I saved my personal favorite two for last…

A++ for effort here.

All this just proves once again that the lengths guys will go to for pussy is umatched. It’s seriously incredible women don’t rule the universe and have us all enslaved.