Porch Pirates Have Gotten Out Of Control

NY Post - Security camera footage shows the moment a suspected porch pirate walked into a Queens homeowner’s trap by trying to steal a fake parcel deliberately left on the stoop.

Carlos Mejia said he was “done” with thieves following FedEx and UPS trucks and raiding his parcels, and decided to take matters into his own hands last week by leaving out “decoy packages” outside his door with the aim of catching one of the bandits in the act.

“I was just trying to make an example for those out there doing the same thing … stealing from others,” Mejia told Storyful.

I'm certainly no thief. The only time I've ever shoplifted, or stolen anything has been under dire circumstances. Like when I was 16 years old and wanted to Robotrip, but Wal-Mart wouldn't sell me cough syrup. Or anytime I entered a gas station between the ages of 18-22 and really wanted candy. Or when I was 20 and forged a check for $100 from my rich friend's parents because I owed a drug dealer money. In my defense, drug dealers are scary. It wasn't even my fault if you think about it. If you're going to blame anyone, blame Purdue Pharma. If in the late 90's, Richard Sackler hadn't unleashed his cavalcade of smoke shows to spread "addiction free" pills across the country like Johnny Oxyseed, I never would have been in that position in the first place. My hand was forced. But I never have and never will steal a package off a doorstep (applause break for me). That's a bridge too far. "Don't steal packages off front porches" is an unwritten rule that must be followed, or else society will cease to exist. 

Ok well I guess that rule is very much written (see: Porch Pirates Act of 2022). It's just that stealing packages off porches seems so damn easy. It must have close to a 99% success rate. Walk down any street in America and you'll stumble upon dozens of enticing packages sitting out in the open without a homeowner in sight. What could be in the box? A Roomba? An iPhone 15? An illegal shipment of Quaaludes purchased off the dark web? It could be anything. There's only one way to find out. What a thrill porch pirating must be. It combines the suspense of unwrapping a Christmas gift with the rush of committing a felony. But we can't allow ourselves to give into that impulse. We have to be better than that. 

It's actually crazy this doesn't happen even more often. It's crazy we haven't come up with a better package delivery system by now. It's crazy people just accept the risk every time they order something online. But when it comes down to it, if I need of a pair of 25 pound dumbbells, some fine China, and a lawnmower, what am I supposed to do? Leave my house? Make multiple trips to multiple stores? Support local businesses that have been crumbling left and right because of people like me? Absolutely not. I'm going to continue lining the pockets of Jeff Bezos and place my order on Amazon.com at 8pm, then have a man making $20/hour drop it all off on my porch in broad daylight by noon the next day. 

Luckily, homeowners are starting to catch on. Take the man from the NY Post article a top the blog. Carlos Mejia was sick and tired of having his Factor Meals and Foreplay golf merch stolen off his front porch, so he devised a plan. 

Step 1: Put decoy box on front porch

Step 2: Attack thief with baseball bat

Carlos' plan worked to perfection. It's just a shame he wasn't able to get any swings in. I'm not sure if he can legally beat the shit out of the guy. But I'm sure the cops would have allowed him one clean shot to the body. Think how much cooler that video would have been had Carlos popped out the front door, cracked him in the ribs, then gave bat flip and a Sammy Sosa home run hop as the porch pirate writhed on the ground in pain. But regardless, good on you Carlos. We need more people like you in the world.

Unfortunately, not all porch pirates will be as brazen as this man. As home owners get smarter when it comes to catching porch pirates, the porch pirates will get smarter as well. Just because you've devised a plan that prevents a criminal from walking straight up to your doorstep and swiping a package, that doesn't mean you can't be outsmarted some day. Take this next thief for example. Good luck stopping a criminal mastermind like this with your fancy ring camera.

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Incredible ingenuity. A caper that would make Wile E. Coyote blush. It won't stop there either. Maybe one day a porch pirate shows up dressed as an Amazon driver. Maybe another day he scales the side of your home with a fishing pole and reels in your package like Bubbles from The Wire. 

Or maybe one day he shows up and puts a gun in your face. Guarantee that'll make you turn over your bulk order of toilet paper. 

We really should have a better package delivery system set up. I know in a lot of cases you can have the delivery driver take your package around back, and that some deliveries will only be made if there's a person home to sign for it. But Amazon ships 1.6 million packages per day. A whole lot of those are going to be delivered to an unprotected doorstep. If it were up to me, I'd set up a lot more booby traps. For every few legitimate packages delivered, I'd have the Amazon driver drop off one glitter small bomb. A bomb that only goes off when opened. Tell the homeowners that if you ever see a package with your name misspelled, DO NOT open it. The porch pirates won't know the difference. Let some glitter bombs go off in their faces and see if they keep stealing packages.