The Judge Tears Sam Bankman-Fried a New One as He Sentenced Him to 25 Years in Jail

Craig Barritt. Getty Images.

If you recall, back in early November, Sam Bankman-Fried was found guilty on all seven counts in his massive cryptocurrency fraud case, and was facing up to 100 years in jail. And worst of all, had to deal with the pain and anguish of watching his former lover testify on behalf of the prosecution:

As if that betrayal wasn't bad enough, he just got sentenced. And while his punishment is nowhere near the maximum, it's by no means good news for him:

Source - A Manhattan judge ripped Sam Bankman-Fried as a “remorseless” scammer obsessed with political power as he sentenced the fallen crypto mogul to 25 years in prison Thursday — five months after he was found guilty of stealing more than $8 billion of funds from customers of his now-bankrupt cryptocurrency exchange FTX.

Judge Lewis Kaplan said the 32-year-old convicted fraudster “presented himself as the good guy” all in favor of “appropriate regulation of the crypto industry” — but it was just an “act.”

“He did it because he wanted to be a hugely, hugely political influential person in this country,” Kaplan said, blasting him as “remorseless.”

“He knew it was wrong, he knew it was criminal, he regrets that he made a very bad bet about the likelihood of being caught,” he continued. …

Moments before the judge handed down the lengthy sentence, Bankman-Fried apologized for making “bad decisions” that “failed everyone I care about” — but maintained his actions “weren’t selfish.”

I have to admit, I'm surprised about him getting 25 years. Make that pleasantly surprised. Because while this is a controversial position for me to take, I am no fan of defrauding investors who trust you and wiping out their life savings while you live it up in the Bahamas having group sex with your inner circle of homely, undesirable cryptogeeks. 

I'm surprised because I just didn't think our criminal justice system had it in it to hammer him this hard. If nothing else, SBF demonstrated a genius for meeting all the right people and making all the right friends. By cutting all the right campaign checks to powerful political figures. He was as big a donor to politicians as anyone in the country. Which in the way our broken system works, tends to be the ultimate "Get Out of Jail Free" card. 

And yet, here we are. He not only gets a quarter of a century behind bars, but a stern talking-to from Judge Kaplan. Not quite as painful as my sainted mother saying "I'm not so much angry. I'm disappointed in you." (Nothing ever could be.) But hurtful to listen to all the same. Clearly His Honor isn't buying Bankman-Fried's argument he was doing his best and trying to help others but that mistakes were made. 

Perhaps owing to the fact that he previously tried to pin all the missing funds on his honey, Fake Charity Nerd Girl:

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So credit to Judge Kaplan for ignoring any political pressure to go easy slamming the swift gavel of justice down upon SBF's curly head. But then again, the cynic in me can't help but notice he was getting away with sketchy, risky financial practices all along, publicly and with impunity. And it was only once it all came crashing down and he had no more political donations left to make that the Feds closed in. 

But that's all in the past. The fact is, the FTX empire did collapse like a financial house of cards. And he's going away for a long time. Doing the math, that $8 billion that evaporated works out $320 million for every year of his sentence. Or $876,712.33 for every day he spends in the Graybar Hotel. And at age 32 at the start of his stretch, if Bankman-Fried doesn't get paroled, he won't be a free man again until he's 57. Which is actually younger than I am. So maybe I'm not feeling so good about this, after all. But you take what you can get. 

So long, SBF. Those investors' life savings won't be coming back. But at least we'll have the orgy cult and this sketch to remember you by: