Francis Is Right
Jesus, I haven't seen them this excited since that girl got murdered. I mean, is there really anything that I can say that's going to win back the fans? I know how the Barstool audience works. I've been following since college. Francis is very popular, and I am not. I don't really think there's any purpose here in trying to revive a dead body. But we're playing a game of blogger tennis right now. It would be silly for me to just walk off the court in the middle of a point. 
Before I go any further, there is one thing in the blog I wrote earlier today I want to not retract but re-adjust. The line about getting two homeless people off the street and putting them in Michigan caps to act as the Detroit reps for the day was a shitty thing to say. I know Matt and Corey. They work their fucking asses off. Matt used to be my producer, and he made me look better than I had any right to look. That was not meant to really be a personal shot towards them, as much as it was the lengths that people would go to make sure that I was not around. But I make no excuses. That was shitty. Give Matt and Corey a follow on social media and show them some love.
I could get in the mud here and call Francis an Ivy League cunt whose insecurities are as easy to see as my reflection in that shiny face of it. I could tell him to go fuck his dog or that I hope his wife gets sick. I could say that he looks like what would happen if Rohypnol was a person. But I'm not going to do that. What insecure people want is for insecure people to sink down to their level. I know what insecurity means; I'm not going down that road.
Here's the thing. Francis is correct. I've spent a large part of the last year lamenting that this job, which has been, and will always be, one that I consider to be a dream job, has become a nightmare. It's essentially high school all over again. The guy who came in as somebody people genuinely liked and wanted to be around became the awkward outcast who made people uncomfortable. And when I say that, I want to clarify: I have never gone into things to make anybody uncomfortable. My character has been WILDLY misrepresented, but sometimes you must swallow the truth to keep everybody happy. In general, I like all the people I work with on a personal level. I am an anxious guy. And you know what? I decided to work here. You can't do me woe is me when you're this lucky. You either bring it or you do not. I've said to myself for months that relapse means no future at Barstool. I've been clean, and I've been waiting, hoping to get another opportunity to prove myself and show that I'm a better headspace, but that will probably never happen. My contract is up in two months, and I'll probably be looking for a job. I'm a talented guy. I'll find another opportunity, but I will always feel like I failed here. That's on me. A few months ago that would've broken me, but I'm chill right now. I've made peace with what I can't control.
I could spend the rest of this blog talking about my mental health or talking about my alcoholism and the difficulty that comes with recovery. The fact is, none of you give a shit. You care about whether or not I'm entertaining you. You care about whether or not I'm making you laugh. I haven't been able to do that whole lot. I know that there's a large collection of people reading this who are waiting on bated breath for me to run to the nearest gun store and finish the job, but quite frankly, I've been through way worse. I won't complain about a paper cut when I've taken some bullets, most of them self-inflicted. When you find out that people in the office have discussed intimate details of your personal life and things you did at rock bottom, it's hard to go back into that office without feeling a little bit uncomfortable. Again, nobody gives a shit. Do you think Big Cat isn't tired sometimes? 
I have to disagree with one part of Francis's rebuttal. That's the idea that I should be on my knees every day, grateful that I'm the charity case hire who didn't earn it. Of course, I'm grateful. Dave Portnoy could hit me with his car, and I'll spend the rest of my life grateful for the fact that he changed my life for the better. Even with everything that's happened, I'm so glad I've had the opportunity to work here, but let's not act like I'm some fucking hack, alright? I had a strong following well before I got hired by Barstool. Somebody took a shot on me; if Dave didn't, somebody else eventually would've. And I'll find a job after I leave Barstool as well. That part of his blog is complete fucking bullshit. I didn't go to Harvard. I didn't come from a ton of money. I'm not related to somebody famous. I got this job because I made good content that Dave liked. That content will stay consistent whether I'm rocking a Barstool hoodie or not.
The message has clearly been sent that this company, in some capacity, thinks that I'm a bad person, or at the very least, I'm a bad person to be around. I'm not a guy who had a hard time; I'm simply a liability worthy of banishment. Barstool is the only collection of people I know about who feel this way. That hurts, but I did it to myself. I feel tremendous pressure. I always have. I have tried to be a voice for the voiceless, and maybe that voice just got a little bit too loud, and for that, I'm sorry. I know that I've made things awkward for everybody. But I've learned that the past can't be undone. All you can focus on is the now. I have more blogs to write tomorrow and more video content to work on. Whether my future is here or not, I take pride in what I do and always will. I love this company. I always have, and it's where my heart will always be, whether you want it here or not.
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