Today's Society Is "Vibeless And Sexless"

Kelly Keegs3/18/2024 9:15 PM

I don't know about anyone else, but I've been noticing lately that things aren't as sexy as they used to be. I thought I was maybe just ~*~*~GASP~*~*~ getting less horny, but once I realized that was impossible, I started to take a look around at the state of media and sex. I know, its hard to believe a bunch of prudes are running the show when Sydney Sweeney's boobs exist, but when was the last time we saw something even remotely as scandalous as the Rolling Stone cover above?

I was a massive True Blood fan (no surprise) and when this cover came out, the world turned on its axis. A devil's threesome?? Blood play?? Bill's hand holding onto Sookie's entire BREAST? How many of you zoomed in to see if you could see up Anna Paquin's asshole? An earth shattering display of raw, unfiltered(lol) lust. I'm still foaming at the mouth looking at it. The year of our lord 2010, when Vampires ruled the nation and Armie Hammer could eat girls in peace. Good times.

Cut to present day, Rolling Stone put out another (much, MUCH less scandalous cover) of Kristen Stewart, in a gender bending display of feminine masculinity that is, IMO, actually pretty sexy:

Totally giving me Charlotte vibes in SATC, when she was dating an artist who had her dress as a man and put a sock in her pants so she would feel the innate power that comes with having a dick:

Anyway, Stephen Colbert interviewed Kristen about it. He explains that CBS, his own network, had asked them NOT to show the cover on TV while interviewing Kristen; wishes that Stephen went out of his way to ignore, and showed it anyway:

They went on to have a conversation about how this line of thinking (censoring this cover which has no nudity, and is tastefully done) was both sexist and homophobic. I gotta say…I agree! Why the fuck would people be mad about this? Men are constantly allowed to put their hands down their pants any time a camera is pointed at them, but when a gay woman does it, we have a problem? PLEASE. Is it because she looks better in a jock strap and leather vest than most men do? Is CBS worried that we're all going to turn into big fat lesbians if we see Kristen looking hot and confident on a magazine cover in anything other than a dress? Give me a break. Let's stop clutching our pearls. If anything was going to turn us all into lesbians, it was Britney and Madonna making out on the VMAs stage in 2003:

Too little too late, CONSERVATIVES! Plenty of people are eating box and there's nothing you can do to stop it!!!!

Back to Sydney Sweeney's boobs. How is it that society is seemingly so starved for big heavy naturals, that people are, and I quote, "on all fours howling at the moon for Sydney Sweeney"? We have had NINE Sydney Sweeney blogs in the past month alone:

Everyone knows she's a cheat code for clicks, thats how bad people want to see boobs. Maybe it's the fact that she is so aware of how blessed she is, and feeds into the frenzy during a time where men are afraid to compliment a hot girl for fear of getting cancelled? They are happy that they're "allowed" to unabashedly oggle her goodies whenever they want, guilt free, because her grandparents went on public record saying she has the best tits in Hollywood? She's smart enough to know what brings the money in! I'm not saying she doesn't have great boobs, but I do think the amount of drool I've seen dripping from men's lips whenever they so much as hear her NAME, concerns me. Is it wrong of me to say something along the lines of, "act like you've been there"? This behavior for example, is embarrassing:

I say embarrassing ONLY because I know that we, as a society, should be more conditioned than this. Surely, we've evolved past screaming "BOOBS!" at the TV when we see them right? Shouldn't it take a little more spice to get the blood pumping to our dicks&clits? Us ladies already only have about a solid 30 seconds before the average guy cums everywhere, and we're generally not looking for them to cum any faster. Can we save the pre'jack for something a little more sensual than cleavage, at the very least? (Don't get me wrong, boobs are awesome.)

Giphy Images.

What I'm observing here I think, at the end of the day, is a lack of depravity in the world. Everywhere we turn, "community guidelines" are stifling our sexuality, fear of "over sexualizing" is causing us to under appreciate, and where does this leave us? With a bunch of losers complaining about Kristen Stewart's jock strap. YAWN. After all the porn-shaming the media has done in the past, warning that we'd be desensitized to "normal" sex, we're really going to choose to take our freak flags DOWN? We're going to settle for cleavage only??

We can't let this happen. I'll be doing my part to save society moving forward, and I suggest you all do, too.