Spring Break Season Is Here And Everybody Is Beating The Shit Out Of Each Other

We've officially reached the time of year where college students receive some well-deserved time away from their responsibilities and flock to the beach towns of America's grossest state where they'll relax in the sand, have drinks along the water, and collectively beat the living shit out of each for a full week. 

One of my many regrets from college is that I never went on a proper beach Spring Break with the boys. Instead I would go skiing with my family in Colorado. Typically Breckenridge. Which was always a blast in it's own right. Waking up at 8am, pouring myself a flask of Whisky, and shredding powder at 9,000 feet is a lovely way to spend a week. And yes, every once in a while I got to challenge some snobby kid to a race down the steepest double-black diamond to save the mountain from his rich father who wanted to purchase the ski resort and take the whole thing private. 

That was always cool. But never did I have the privilege of getting black out drunk with the boys by 11am and challenging a man twice my size to an Oklahoma drill in an effort to impress a girl from Texas State who I'd met just 5 minutes prior. An Oklahoma drill that turns out to be the catalyst for a 1,000+ person riot that lands me in a Panama City jail for the remainder of my vacation. That's how you properly spring break. Even if the locals want to be big ol' cry babies about it.

Now to be fair, the fight video at the top of this blog appears to be from PCB, not Miami. I haven't heard any word on whether or not Miami's "anti-fun" PSA featuring the world's most unlikable actors had its desired effect. I have a hard time believing that a single shitty commercial is going to have much of an impact. 

If I were one of these spring break Florida hot spots, and I wanted to curb the behavior of drunk college students, I'd take an entirely different approach. You're not going to stop college kids from getting drunk and beating the shit out of each other by asking nicely. But maybe you can contain it. The first thing I'd do is designate a "fight beach" at each major spring break destination. Mark off a quarter or half-mile of beach where fighting is encouraged. Put up clear signs surrounding the area, so that everyone knows if you set foot inside fight beach, you're consenting to a fight. Like in The Wire when Bunny Coleman legalizes drugs, except with fighting. Or just do whatever Portland does with their city now. Let the toughest college students from across the land gather at fight beach to test their skills. Maybe award a crown to the "King of Fight Beach". The only way to dethrone the king is to physically remove the crown off his head. Like smear the q**** but with a crown instead of a football. Eventually tribes will form. Fight beach will turn into it's own little Spring Break society. It'll be running itself in no-time. All the locals have to do is steer clear of that area for a couple months out of the year, and the police will be able to focus their attention on more important things. Seems like a win-win for everyone.

We've barely even entered spring break season and we already have at least 1 full-blown beach brawl on our hands. I look forward to seeing what else Florida blesses us with this year.