Pandemic Watch: 100% Fatal "Zombie Deer Disease" Feared To Be Able To Spread To Humans

NY Post - Scientists are sounding the alarm over the spread of “zombie deer disease” amid fears it may evolve to infect humans.

Late last year, experts confirmed Yellowstone National Park’s first case of the infection — officially known as chronic wasting disease (CWD) — after a deer carcass found in the Wyoming area of the park tested positive to the highly contagious disease.

Cases have been now reported in deer, elk and moose in 33 states across the U.S., as well as in Canada, Norway and South Korea.

The disease “damages portions of the brain and typically causes progressive loss of body condition, behavioral changes, excessive salivation and death,” according to the New York State Department of Health.

Last week I learned of the presence of the bubonic plague in the state of Oregon. Just a fair warning: if your cat ever walks through your back door with a dead mouse stuck in it's gullet, put on a thick pair of gloves, and throw your entire cat away. That's how you catch a nasty case of Black Death and end up with a red X painted on your front door in the year 2024.

It seems that Oregon was able to control this particular case of plague. But fortunately, there are plenty more possibly deadly diseases for websites like the NY Post and Barstool Sports to use for clicks. And this next one has an even scarier name. Zombie Deer Disease. 

I can only assume that we now have zombie deer terrorizing our country. They're running rampant through the streets with brains pouring out of their head. They're hiding in the shadows waiting for you to leave your home. They're absorbing bullets and running down hunters. They're eating the flesh of every human or animal that crosses their path. At least that's what "Zombie Deer Disease" implies. Anything short of that would be false advertising, and I don't think the media would do that.

But zombies aside, I've always found deer to be some of the scariest animals in the game. I've long feared deer ever since I was a kid and one totaled our car on my way to a hockey game. A deer might be more likely to fuck up your life than any other animal. The only other animals that come close are feral hogs and skunks. But unless you're in a very specific part of the country, you're probably not going to find yourself face-to-face with a feral hog. And the worst thing a skunk is going to do is make you smell like shit for a few days. Nothing that a tomato bath can't fix. But a deer might kill you today. At any point, while you're texting and driving 75 mph down I-80, a deer is liable to pop out of thin air, crash through the windshield of your Toyota Camry, and pierce your throat with the giant weapons sticking out of its head.

Additionally, deer are completely brain dead. Have you ever looked one in the face? There is absolutely nothing going on behind their eyes. Maybe the dumbest animals on earth. Shine a light in their face and they're completely mesmerized. Not a single thought in their brain, whether they've been zombified or not. That's creepy in it's own right. If I'm not mistaking, that makes them extra susceptible to being possessed by demons.

Shutterstock Images.

I've never come across a Demon Stag in real-life, but I've seen them in pop culture plenty. Satan loves to enter the bodies of forest critters to make them do his bidding. Maybe that's what's happening here. Maybe deer disease isn't a disease at all. It's possible that these zombie deer are possessed. Maybe Satan is finally making his big move and this is the start of the apocalypse. 

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Whatever is happening, I look forward to learning about the next contagion. I'm sure Zombie Deer Disease will be a thing of the past by this time next week. By this time next week we'll be worried about some man in Ohio who ate an infected duck that made his skin peel off. Or some sort of mad lobster disease that causes instant dementia. Or maybe we'll run back the Swine Flu again. Stay safe out there everybody. You never know what animal is going to turn into a zombie and kill you. And maybe take a few weeks off eating deer jerky.