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Dumping Them Out: Dear John

Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. I'm going to try something new today. If it goes well I want to start doing more of them. If it goes terribly then I'll burn it with fire. 

Every day when I'm scouring the internet for blog topics I come across some sort of "Dear Abby" column. I never actually read them beyond the headline, but I'm assuming Abby's advice is kind of lame. I think my advice will be better. Also I think there's an endless supply of these advice columns on the internet that I can steal remix into my own original thing.

DEAR JOHN - After attending a water aerobics class for three months, I have had it with the talkers in the pool. I’m not the only one annoyed that a handful of ladies disrespect the instructors and the rest of the class. They have been asked to quiet down by instructors and the other participants. There is even a sign on the door asking for limited talking. 

These elderly ladies are oblivious to how loud and disturbing they are. Some have hearing loss and the acoustics in an indoor pool are terrible, so their voices just get louder and louder. I kid you not, two of them talk the entire hour, which makes it difficult for the rest of us to hear the instructor or the music very well. 

They are kidding themselves if they think they are working out — they just bob up and down and talk. Once in a while, they ask “What are we doing now?” because they are not paying attention. When these ladies start talking to each other, those nearby get distracted and can’t work out, either. 

Am I wrong to think that when a class starts, the talking should stop so everyone can participate in the class? — SPLASHING MAD IN NORTH IDAHO

DEAR SPLASHING MAD - Shut up. You have to understand time and place. You're dealing with old women at water aerobics. That's their dojo. The water aerobics pool is their thunder dome. They make the rules, not you, not the instructor. If they want to have loud hearing-impaired conversations about the the instructors neck fat, despite looking like burnt cigarettes themselves, that's their prerogative.  Any given water aerobics class could be their last. Instead of chastising the older women who are trying to make the best of their final years, why don't you join them? Make the final years the best they can be. Help them narrow in on the instructors deepest insecurities. Does she have thinning hair? Has she been divorced? Is her son in jail? A simple Google search can help uncover personal information about the instructor that will really cut deep. She might even cry.

DEAR JOHN: My wife, “Connie,” is an angel. She takes care of her aging father as well as my sister, who suffers from Alzheimer’s. This, in addition to her religious practices, consumes most of her time, energy and emotional resources. She often arrives home in the late afternoon or early evening stressed and completely exhausted. 

An elderly and physically challenged neighbor has occasionally relied on Connie for help with little tasks. However, the woman recently suffered an event that requires her to have a great deal more help, and Connie feels “roped into” providing it. 

I think that in light of Connie’s prior family commitments, she shouldn’t feel obligated to provide the extra help this neighbor now needs. I worry that these extra responsibilities will be detrimental to her health, and I have told her so. She acknowledges my position, but feels obligated toward this neighbor. 

What can I tell my wife to make her realize that for her own sake, as well as the sake of the family for whom she provides care, she needs to determine her limits and priorities and resist yielding to additional cries for help? — AT THE LIMIT IN OREGON

DEAR AT THE LIMIT - Yeah it sounds like she's fucked. She's in too deep now. What is she going to do, just let your neighbor wither away in to nothing? Do you know how messed up that would be? Your only other option is to get off your own ass and start helping out yourself. But let's be honest, that's not about to happen. I'm sure you're working 12 hours day, 7 days a week in the coal mines. Then you need your nightly six-pack of Busch Light for your own mental health. Plus, March Madness is right around the corner. If you don't lock in on college basketball now your bracket is going to be in shambles by the end of the first day. You can't have a repeat of last year or else your brother will never let you hear the end of it. The best you can do is offer words of encouragement from the comfort of your couch, and hope your neighbor kicks the bucket sooner rather than later.

DEAR JOHN: My brother recently called to tell me he had proposed to his girlfriend, and she happily accepted. While I’m glad he is happy, I’m worried about what to do if he asks me to be his best man. 

While his girlfriend can be a nice person, they have a one-sided relationship in which she controls a lot of what my brother does. She always needs to be the center of attention at family functions and piles on the PDA toward my brother in public places. 

I feel bad for him because he hasn’t been in many romantic relationships and, to me, it just seems like he’s settling. I may be jumping the gun on this — maybe he won’t ask — but I really believe that the best man at their wedding should be someone who truly supports this relationship — and that isn’t me. Any advice? — “WORST MAN” IN NEW YORK

DEAR WORST MAN - There's no better position in which to sabotage a marriage than being the best man. The answer here is simple. As a best man, you'll likely be in responsible for the bachelor party. What you need to do is hire a hooker. Not a stripper, a hooker. A good one. But you can't let him know she's on the payroll. All you have to do is naturally get her in a conversation with him. If he's really not been in many relationships, and his fiancee truly sucks, if this hooker can show interest, have a fun conversation with him, and be a cool ass chick, he's going to fall for it. He'll think, "Wait a minute, there are girls out there who aren't cunts?"

You'll get him drunk, and by the end of the night he'll be in love. He'll question everything he thought he knew about women. Take her back to your AirBnB and have her seal the deal. Best case scenario, after that experience, he'll call the wedding off himself. But just in case, you're going to want hard evidence. You need blackmail. Tell him he either calls off the wedding, or you send his fiancée the proof. Keep in mind you might lose your brother for life. But if you love him, and his fiancée truly that bad, you'll know deep down you did the right thing. If you think that's going too far, then maybe she isn't that bad.