Live Music Is Dead (for me)

Large1/29/2024 6:30 PM

I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen some pretty EPIC live music shows in my day.

I saw Nirvana in a small Michigan bar in 1990 and then saw the drummer from Nirvana at a much bigger venue 30 years later.

Giphy Images.

Been front row at the old Nassau Coliseum for Eric Clapton (before getting thrown out) and been in the mosh pit when Henry Rollins opened up for the Beastie Boys at a hockey rink in Kalamazoo, MI.

Martyn Goodacre. Getty Images.

(That's me, biting Henry's knee.)

I was there when Van Halen got back together, and had my face painted for KISS at MSG.

Stephen Lovekin. Getty Images.

(Not me.)

I dropped acid the first time I saw Perry Farrell at something called the "Enit Festival" in the mid-90s and saw what might have been the best lineup ever for a Lollapalooza in 1992 (RHCP, Ice Cube, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Rage Against The Machine, Cypress Hill, TOOL, House of Pain, Stone Temple Pilots, etc).

Steve Eichner. Getty Images.

Went to see Steve Winwood and Huey Lewis on a whim (separately), and they both stunk, then spent real money to see Motley Crew and Kenny Rogers (again, separately), and they both stunk, as well.

I got fucked by Billy Joel, fucked my wife in the parking lot before Poison opened up for Def Leppard, and wondered what the fuck I was doing at a Pitbull concert.

And that’s just scratching the surface.

But all those thousands of dollars I spent on tickets in the past no longer matter because it has all come to an end… Last weekend I revolutionized the game.

It was fucking FREEZING everywhere in the Northern part of the United States, but instead of crying about it like those little bitches feeling the Chicago cold for the first time on their sensitive fingertips, I just pivoted and found shit to do indoors. And it started on Friday night when I saw the local AMC was showing an old Queen concert on their IMAX screen.

Am I a huge fan of Queen?

No… But I certainly enjoy their hits, AND I used to own the vinyl album “The Game” which I believe came out in 1980. I bought it in ‘81 or ‘82 and played the SHIT out of it… Mainly because I only owned 3 other albums at the time (I was 11).

So a Queen concert was playing at 6 PM on a Friday and I have a daughter who wanted to see a showing of Mean Girls that was playing at nearly the same time… Meaning, I could drop her and her posse at Mean Girls while I saw a concert… It was almost too perfect.

To make it even better, I asked my son if he would come to the concert/movie with me because it would be over by 8, so he could still do whatever he wanted to after the movie, and he said, "Yes."

Now, is my son a Queen fan?

No, he’s straight. But much like me, he knows their hits and he’s a guitar player, so he’s always respected Brian May’s talent.

Here's my point… Seeing a classic concert on an IMAX screen is an AWESOME experience. As a 52-year-old man, I am no longer motivated to put up with all the hassles that come with seeing live music, so this option is perfect.

I snuck in an impressive roast beef hero while I paid for my soda, corn, and candy. I was able to enjoy a little 3Chi before I went in, and then again about halfway through the show when I snuck away to the bathroom. Oh, and unlike traditional movies, where you dont know when the hell you should take a leak, seeing a concert movie, you just have to wait until the band plays something you dont know, and then you have a good 4-5 minutes to piss without any FOMO.

Unlike every live show I have ever been to, the price was right, the parking was plentiful, and the seats were cozy.

And the way they broadcast this particular Queen concert (Montreal in 1981) was also perfect… There was no footage from backstage, no interviews with fans, and no human interest stories related to the band… The show started at 6, the band walked out at 6:01, they played music for 2 hours, and they walked off the stage. The footage was digitally re-mastered for the first time into the image and sound quality of "The IMAX Experience", including 12-channel surround sound and crystal-clear images of Freddie Mercury's cock in very tight pants.

Steve Jennings. Getty Images.

So consider me hooked (on concert films… not on dead guys' cocks), and since I am still a shareholder in AMC, I reached out to their events department to recommend some other pre-2000 concerts for the future. My wishlist included…

- Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison in 1968

- Led Zeppelin at Earl's Court, London in 1975

- "Monsters of Rock" in Moscow in 1991

- Pink Floyd's "The Wall' Tour in 1980

- Run-DMC ‘Raising Hell’ Tour in 1986

- Michael Jackson's "Bad" Tour in 1987

… and a shitload more I am obviously forgetting.

With football season drawing to a close, Oscar season limiting the number of quality movies being released in theatres, and a groundhog guaranteed to see his shadow next week, the AMC people said I can expect more shows like the one I saw last week. And I, for one, could not be more excited to hear some real music in the comfort of my local theatre.

Fuck Taylor Swift, support your local movies, and take a report.

-Large

If you're not convinced, or if you're one of these "youngsters" who still enjoy going to live shows, give Barstool Backstage a follow and consider seeing my good friend Dante on the "ones and twos"…