PSA To The Fellas Out There: Do Not Watch The Movie "Saltburn" Under ANY Circumstance, Unless You Want To Be Traumatized
I'm going to make this one short and sweet.
No spoilers, just telling you, from one guy to another, if your girlfriend, wife, friend, or curiosity leads you to Amazon Prime and you think the movie Saltburn looks like it'll tickle your fancy, don't.
Turn back now.
Don't even contemplate it.
Last week I overheard a bunch of girls who work for us talking about various scenes from this movie. I asked what the fuck they were talking about because I couldn't believe my ears, (again, no spoilers), and they were equally as shocked that I hadn't not only watched Saltburn, but that I had never even heard of it.
That was followed by a group text with some couples I am on (I have had it on do not disturb for months) where the women were all in a frenzy discussing it. One of them mentioned Margot Robbie produced it, and as a big fan of her work, I decided I'd consider giving it a watch.
I loaded up Amazon Prime later that night, watched the quick preview that comes on when you highlight the selection and thought to myself, this doesn't seem thaaaaaaat bad. Sure it's British but it looks like its set at Oxford, and it's a geeky-looking kid being befriended by the popular crowd. Maybe it's a 2023 English spin of "Good Will Hunting" or something along those lines.
Holy fuck was I wrong.
In fact, I don't think I have ever in my life been more wrong.
Ever.
And I say that as somebody who voted for Joe Biden, posted a blog defending Trent Brown who may or may not have been fucked out of a lot of money by the Patriots, and can't correctly answer an NBA question on The Dozen correctly if my life depended on it.
When I say that I was, and am still deeply traumatized by three of the scenes I watched in this movie, I mean it sincerely.
I was shook after it ended. And not because of the "twist" at the ending.
Yeah it was decent, and well-played, and very fucked up psychologically, but I couldn't get past those three scenes.
I felt like Ben Stiller's character in Meet The Parents after he takes the lie detector test and he's a fucking headcase sitting there housing Nicorette gum, twiddling his thumbs at 2 in the morning.
I headed to Barstool to see what people had posted about it. I mean surely there had to have been something from KFC Radio where Feitelberg was praising the bathtub scene and the burial plot scenes as the best movie-making he's seen in his life. If not him then Pat had to have blogged something.
Surprisingly no.
What about a Keegs blog instructing us moronic men to get with the times and start taking notes from the guy who plays Oliver. Instead of cringing and taking a pass when your lady tells you it's that time of the month, really "seize the day".
Nope. Nothing like that either.
This was all I found.
A Chris Castellani blog from back when the trailer dropped telling us how good it looked.
The next day I texted the girls on the thread asking them how in their right minds they could tell me to watch that movie, and then sleep at night? They all just laughed and told me I was exaggerating.
"It wasn't that bad."
I saw the girls at the bar (and my gay gm) and wanted to strangle them. They laughed and told me I should thank them for having them inform me about the "hottest movie out right now."
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I had to do something. I couldn't be a silent bystander and let more guys subject themselves to the same fate. Given this platform I have, consider this my good deed for the month of January.
I don't care what kind of savage, primal sex promises your lady makes you in exchange for watching this. I promise you it's not worth it because you won't even be able to get it up so it's pointless. Women always want to call us the sick ones, and freaks, but they're the truly demented sexual deviants.
Those of you who have suffered the same mental anguish as I have will agree, you wish I'd written this blog sooner.
Those of you whose souls I've saved, you can thank me later by paying it forward.
God Bless.
p.s. - you have to a really depraved, sick fuck to think this one up