Dumping Them Out: New Years Spectacular

John Rich1/01/2024 11:29 PM

Welcome back to another ~~episode of~~ Dumping Them Out Spectacular. This the second Spectacular I've written in the past 2 weeks. Last weeks 'Dumping Them Out: Christmas Spectacular' was a massive hit. Likely due to the fact that it featured significantly less words, and significantly more Boob GIFs than a regular episode.

So in true Spectacular fashion, that's what I'll be doing again today. Although I must say, I really blew my load (figuratively) on Boob GIFs last week. Used about 20 of the best ones I have saved. Gonna be a tall task to live up to that. But I'll do my best.

Today's Dumping Them Out: New Year's Spectacular will be a speed ranking of New Years Resolutions that I have (kind of)

1. Get Jacked - I've been making this resolution ever year for the past decade. The only few years I managed to maintain "jacked" status is 2019-2021. It turned out to be terrible for my mental health. I was never bothered by how skinny I was until I started lifting. I was cool being super skinny. But now that I've got a taste of being "jacked", whenever I'm not jacked, I feel bad about myself. That's the problem with working out for vanity purposes only.

2. Give More Money to Homeless People - I used to be great about giving dollars to homeless people. I'd always carry around cash, and would hand them left and right. I considered myself a philanthropist. But I have no reason to carry cash anymore, which means I don't have any dollars to give. I suppose I could donate to an actual charity, but you never know where that money is going. When I give it directly to the source, I know exactly where it's going. To drugs. If my dollars can give a homeless man a couple hours of happiness, I pat myself on the back and say, "Good job John, you're a great person who is definitely not making the homeless epidemic worse on a larger scale."

3. Get Cast on a Game Show - I'm thinking outside of the box now. This would be a run resolution to have. I'm not sure how I'd go about doing it, but I've wondered how long it would take to get cast on a gameshow if you put all of your effort into trying to make it happen. I knew a guy in LA who would try to get on The Price Is Right every week. If I remember correctly, he would go stand in line with a bunch of other wanna be contestants outside the studio, then someone with a clipboard would walk up and down selecting people to be in the audience based on who he liked the most. But I think they'd give everyone like $10 for showing up. I'd prefer to be on Family Feud, or Kid's Jeopardy. The guy I knew (Rob) never got picked, but he did tell me once that he used to host a game show on Nickelodeon. I didn't believe him for a second, but then he showed me a YouTube video, and sure enough he was hosting. I can't for the life of me remember what it was called though. I'll let you know if I figure it out.

4. Get a Better More Manageable Haircut - I've never been satisfied with my hair. I just end up wearing a hat all the time because I feel like when I don't wear a hat, my hair gets messed up by the wind and I end up looking foolish. But there's gotta be a barber out there who would be able to give me a solid, manageable cut.

5. Get Better at Smoking Weed - At some point in my life I started getting overly paranoid after smoking weed. I don't know if something changed in my brain, or if once I was out of college I just had more things to be stressed over, but all of the sudden I started getting paranoid from it. But I'd like to start smoking more again. I think if I really committed to it, and smoked consistently, it the paranoia might go away. I think it would help me drink less too. Maybe make me more creative. I just gotta get over that initial paranoid hump.

6. Learn a New Meal - My current arsenal of meals I can cook include, baked chicken breast + plain noodles (sometimes pesto, sometimes Rice-A-Roni), tuna noodle casserole (my favorite), and chicken noodles (I break up a whole rotisserie chicken by hand then throw it in a pot with egg noodles). I'd love to add a 4th option to my menu.

7. Care More About Sports - I want to fit in at Barstool more in general. I care a moderate amount about sports, but when it comes down to it I can never get myself FULLY invested into anything. But I think that can change. At least once this year I'd like to throw a destructive temper tantrum on camera when one of my beloved teams loses a regular season game. I don't think anybody has stripped naked and ripped a TV off the wall of the gambling cave yet. I'm going to need my contract renewed eventually. If I can do that, I might even get a raise.

8. Find a New Source of Boob GIFs - I'm really struggling to find new GIFs. Like really struggling. That's why the last 2 weeks I've done a "Best Of". I can get by with that at the end of the year, but starting next weekend I need to have new ones again. Idk where I'm going to find GIFs I haven't used. I've used so many. I might have to learn how to make GIFs myself. Or if someone can direct me to a Boob GIFs database somewhere that I don't know about it would be greatly appreciated.

The end. Sorry I didn't live up to my promise of less words. I got a little carried away.