Super Volcanos Are Frauds, Shit Or Get Off The Pot

Daily Mail - California's supervolcano that has the power to bury Los Angeles in more than 3,000 feet of ash is showing signs of activity.

Scientists at the California Institute of Technology (Caltech) identified over 2,000 earthquakes rumbling throughout the Long Valley Caldera in recent years.

The team conducted a new investigation to see if the seismic activity was a sign of impending doom or that the risk of a massive eruption was decreasing.

- SCENE -

"DID YOU KNOW?!?! There's an active volcano right here in this very United States, and if it erupted would wipe out half of civilization and ruin life on earth as we know it? It's called a SUPERVOLCANO."

"Omg wow sounds scary tell me so much more."

"It could LITERALLY erupt at ANY time. According to an article I didn't read today, it's overdue for an eruption, so any day now we might all be FUCKED."

- END SCENE -

That conversation right there is so annoying. I've been hearing about super volcanos my whole life. The possibility of a super volcano killing us was a cute fact to learn in 4th grade science class. But as a grown adult who wears gym shorts to work, I'm no longer interested in hearing about it.

Super volcanos are all bark no bite. "You better watch out humans, I can end your lives anytime I want, and there's nothing you can do about it."

So fucking do it. We are right here. We couldn't leave this planet if we wanted to. As a matter of fact, we've been right here for the last 26,500 years, during which you have done absolutely nothing. I have singlehandedly destroyed more earth than you ever will. While you sit their being scenic and letting children camp on top of you, I'm putting cigarettes out in the grass. I'm throwing glass bottles into dumpsters because the recycling is too far away. I'm shoving plastic straws through the eyes of endangered sea turtles.

Super volcanos are the Jamarcus Russell's of nature. We're all blown away by their measurements. They can throw a football 100 yards from their knees. They can eliminate half of America in a single blow. But in reality they just sit on their ass drink lean 24/7 until they're too fat to move.

They're pretentious cowards. They in the past. They just sit back and read their press clippings. "Look how big and scary I am. Humans fear me. My dick is 10 miles long."

But when it comes time to perform they go dormant. "I'm sorry babe, you know I'd love to fuck your world up, and I totally could if I wanted to, I'm just not feeling active right now."

Here's a list of things I'm more worried about than super volcanos

- Being murdered on the subway
- World War III 
- Ghost Hitler resurrecting from the dead and haunting me
- Accidently falling into a regular volcano
- Getting in a plane crash on a commercial flight
- Surviving the plane crash, landing in the South Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Brazil, and having a Candiru fish swim up my dick and eating me from the inside out 
- Getting killed by a foul ball off the bat of a small growth-stunted child in a little league baseball game

Kill us super volcano. You won't.