Survivor Rids Itself of the Worst Member of the Worst Cast in its 45 Seasons

CBS Photo Archive. Getty Images.

I believe I've already established two facts. One, I'm about as dedicated a follower of Survivor as anyone you'll find. Like I said last week, the Irish Rose with whom I formed an alliance with 30 years ago and I have missed so few episodes over the past 44 seasons that you could count them on one hand (probably without using your thumb or your pinkie). Second, that loyalty was shaken to its core with last week's Survivor 45 premiere:

I say again, the appeal of Survivor is that it is, at its core, a sociological experiment. It examines what happens when you put a cross section of the population into an artificial construct, often under extreme conditions that test them to their physical, psychological and emotional limits, and watch how they interact. And also witness the various methods they employ to win the game and the million dollar prize. If you're even the least bit interested in human behavior, it can be fascinating. 

But the key to it is the "cross section" part. If they filled out the cast with nothing but giant muscular Alphas, it would just be Hard Knocks. Send no one to the island but MILFs with collagen lips and saline tits, and it's Real Housewives. Cast no one but handsome, stylish, charming men with crippling daddy issues and it's The Bachelorette. It's the representation across all social, cultural and geographic groups that make the magic happen when the show is at its best. 

This has not be its best. On the contrary. It's like CBS scrapped their old formula and just started recruiting cast members out of the subset of the population who bring Emotional Support Animals onto airplanes. They've chosen among the Physically Useless, the Psychologically Damaged, the Socially Awkward, the Blatantly Needy, and the Ones Who've Never Spent a Night Outdoors. 

Again, the first episode ended with Hannah volunteering to go home at the first Tribal Council because she wanted to be home on the couch with cigarettes, coffee and a sandwich. Despite waiting months to get to Fiji and taking up a spot that should've gone to an interesting competitor, not a quitter. We knew we were in trouble early in the second episode when Jeff Probst straight-up lied to the other tribes about Hannah's departure:

Among the ones who remain, we do have a bit of a cross section. But it's a cross section of the worst stereotypes of  Survivor contestants of the past:

--The older castmate who tries to play the Respected Mentor role. And this season has not one, but two of them. Both of whom have done the cringe move of giving themselves Older Family Member nicknames, "Uncle Bruce" and "Mama J." Bruce is particularly unsufferable because he not only thinks he's 1994 Jim Carrey, but commits the unpardonable sin of laughing at every single one of his own jokes. Which in my world not only gets you voted off the island, it gets you thrown into a tiger pit with dung-coated bamboo stakes at the bottom. 

--Emily, who is the cliche of the person with no self awareness, so her strategy is nothing but telling everybody what her strategy is. "I'm trying to improve my social game by having this conversation with you." Somehow there's an SNL recurring character idea here. No Filter Woman or Mistress of the Obvious or something, who can't stop expressing every clueless thought that pops into her feeble brain.

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--The Inept. Sabiyah got a clue to a hidden immunity and wasted no time identifying which tree it was in. In then took her and various allies about 24 hours of searching, digging and climbing to figure notice there was one coconut hanging from a branch of what was not a coconut tree. And that was hanging from a rope attached to a vine that was right in front of them.

--The Squishes. Soft men who are utterly incapable of performing even the must rudimentary of useful tasks. Can build a fire. Can't swim. Can't solve a puzzle in the alloted time. But who will unironically say things like "We're a family" and "We love you" to game show contestants they've known for 72 hours. I'm not saying every guy has to be Dick Winters being first out of the plane as Easy Company parachuted into Normandy. Hell, Cochrane was a geeky social misfit, but a brilliant game theorist who became one of the most popular players ever. As was Yau-Man, a 100 pound older gentleman who spoke English as a second language who used his wisdom to open boxes stronger men couldn't and invented the Fake Idol gag that has been copied a hundred times. Yet last night we watched as Brando - allegedly a grown man - let Sabiyah lift him up into that tree. 

And yet King of the Losers has been Brandon. Made famous by the fact he openly wept when he first laid eyes on Probst, couldn't pull himself up a ladder, and blew the challenge for his team. And who cemented his place in Survivor lore forever last night with the worst performance in show history. Breaking the record set by … Brandon last week. 

Where do we begin? How about the fact he handed the clue he found over to Sabiyah because it came with the risk of losing his vote, and his strategy was not to take such chances. Only to find himself 20 minutes later in front of a puzzle that came with the same risk, but also the option of skipping it, and this time decided to go all in. And predictably couldn't solve it. Then in the Immunity Challenge, barely got four puzzle pieces together as the other two tribes made quick work of theirs. That's when he wasn't failing to negotiate rocks. Literally, rocks were a challenge he couldn't overcome:

The internet was not amused with his performance overall:

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Finally Brandon's uselessness caught up with him, and he didn't survive Tribal Council. Even while going up against Emily, who had only succeeded in alienating everyone with her off-putting personality and ham-handed game play. If anything, he seemed relieved when Probst snuffed his torch, because he would be spared any more humiliation. In the end, it was a mercy killing. The question remains whether, as in nature, getting rid of the weakest will make the pack stronger and the show will be better next week. As it is, Survivor 45 is on life support. And it's time to ask if, like Brandon, it needs to be put out of our misery.