Good News: Toys "Я" Us Stores Are Coming BACK!...Bad News: It Sounds Like They Will Be The Worst Places On Earth!
When I saw this tweet, the 90s kid in me got STOKED. Nothing beat the rush of going into a Toys R Us, smelling that smell that only those stores had, and browsing the fuck out of everything they had to offer. Action figures for days, bikes for weeks, and seeing all those video games would cause my brain to cramp. And if you were lucky enough to buy something expensive enough that required bringing a ticket to the front, the mix of excitement and joy that swirled around in your tummy is a feeling you couldn't recreate outside of Christmas Eve. So I was excited that my kids could experience some of that for themselves considering they have grown up in a world without toy stores, which is crazy to say but true.
However, hearing Toys "Я" Us' exact comeback plans threw an ocean's worth of cold water on all that hype.
CNBC- Toys R Us is plotting a bold comeback in the U.S., as it plans to expand its brick-and-mortar presence with as many as 24 new flagship stores and a separate rollout at airports and on cruise ships starting this holiday season.
The toy retailer’s parent company, WHP Global, announced what it called the “Air, Land and Sea” expansion on Friday. Toys R Us aims to start opening the up to two dozen flagship stores as early as next year in partnership with Go! Retail Group. The company plans to roll out the locations in “prime cities” that complement its current retail footprint, WHP said.
You think being in an airport with kids sucks now? Try going there as they whine and complain about wanting to buy everything in a toy store that is likely gouging you for the standard 35% airport surcharge. Double that for being on a cruise ship where your family of four is constantly on your nerves since you are shoved into a room so small, inmates would complain to their prison guards about the size.
The only good part of this "Air, Land, and Sea" expansion is that the land part will occur in major cities, which means none of them will actually be around us parents raising their little ones in the burbs. It's hard enough to leave a Target toy section without being haggled to death by my kids. I couldn't imagine the hell that comes with taking them to a giant store filled only with toys. I'm not sure if it's crazier that giant toy stores were once common or that almost none exist now.
What I am sure of is that the 90s truly were the best because we had toy stores, internet without most of the shitty stuff of the 2020s, and commercials like this that perfectly sum up the mood of the times.
Anyway, I don't mind hitting a Toys "Я" Us the few times I am dumb enough to willfully take my kids to a city. It'll burn some time before whatever show we are going to see there and also get them to stop asking about all the tired people sleeping on the ground or begging for money. So while I hate the air and sea part of Geoffrey's comeback plan, I love the land strategy as well as knowing he won't be offing himself after the saddest tweet ever seen since I can't imagine it's easy for giraffes to tie a noose that actually works.
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P.S. I'll forever be amazed that I can type the "Я" in Toys "Я" Us without destroying the entire backend of the Barstool blog. Yes I know we are a major media company that was once bought for a half a billion dollars. But I've seen too much shit break on this website and we still don't have fully functional wifi at the New York HQ despite being on our second office in almost ten years despite being an internet company.