TikToker's Are Smashing The Bones In Their Face To Get Super Hot and I FULLY SUPPORT This New Trend

99% of the time when I see a new viral TikTok trend I'm disgusted by it. Rarely do I find them humorous. Not only do they upset me, but they actively make my day worse. Honestly about 80% of all TikTok's are videos that my life would be better had I never seen. For example, I can't stand a floating head on a green screen. Idk what it is. Nothing against those who successfully make head floating green screen TikToks. If I learned to make them it would absolutely help my career. But personally, I can't stomach them. Something about a floating head that makes my heart stop and makes me instinctively throw my phone across the room. No offense. 

That being said, a new trend came across my desk this morning that I happen to fully support. When something like this comes along, it's my responsibility to promote it as much as humanly possible to help assure the trend lasts a long time. That trend is bonesmashing.

It's important that you don't listen to the man in this video touting the "dangers" of bone smashing. This man has no idea what he's talking about. He doesn't understand priorities. A sizable TikTok following is the most important thing a person can have. A man's (or woman's) worth can be directly measured by how many views they get on TikTok. It's more important than friendship, it's more importance than any semblance of pride, and it's DEFINTELY more important than your general health and well-being. 

This blog goes out directly to all those people who are actively posting 60 second long videos about every single thought and feeling they have throughout the course of the day. How have your views been lately? When was the last time you went viral? I bet it's been a while. Have you ever thought about why that might be? Are you not funny enough? Not clever enough? Not annoying enough? Nope. I promise you it's not the 3rd one. It's because you're too ugly. Take a look in the mirror. Specifically at the lower half of your face. Are your cheeks concave to the point that they're touching each other from the inside of your mouth? If you laid on your right side, could someone conveniently eat a bowl of cereal out of your of your left cheek? If the answer is no, then bonesmashing might be for you.

Bonesmashing is the art of breaking down you cheek bones by hitting them repeatedly with a hard object (knuckles, hockey puck, meat tenderizer, etc.) As a result, your cheekbones will narrow, and you will turn hotter. How does the science behind that work? What are the long term effects? Doesn't matter/who cares. It's the immediate short-term effects that matter. And the short term effects are getting super fucking hot, and getting super fucking hot directly equates to more views.

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So you're if you're an aspiring TikTok star, which is the best thing a person can be, you simply must take up bone smashing. If you want to make it on the internet, you need to use all the tools at your disposal. You can identify the hottest trends all you want. You can be the funniest person in America. But if you don't have deathy hollow cheekbones and a face like a skeleton, it won't matter. Don't believe me? I work at Barstool Sports. How do you think I got this job?