Panic Grips NE as Colin Cowherd is 'Hearing Some Stuff on Mac Jones,' and That Stuff 'is Not Good'

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Patriots fans could be forgiven if right now they're feeling OK about their quarterback. After all, despite playing behind what can kindly be described as a bottom-5 in the league pass blocking offensive line so far, and playing from behind for two of his three games, Mac Jones has nevertheless done some things:

If nothing else, despite last year's struggles, he's far and away been the most successful QB of the celebrated Draft Class of '21. It's not even close:

But if that's how you're regarding the future of your franchise at the quarterback position New England, you'd better check yourself. Forget basking in the warm, glowing, glowing warmth of optimism, because here comes America's Buzzkill to piss on the flames. Colin Cowherd is here when we don't need him. Letting us know where the Christmas presents really come from, making sure we're aware mom and dad don't seem to love each other any more, and telling us they lied when they said they sent the dog away to go live on a farm with his dog friends:

Oh, accept he didn't actually say anything. He just fell back on my favorite Journo move. The last refuge of a scoundrel. The ol' "Many People are Saying" gag. 

To be fair, if when you're playing with your various Colin Cowherd Action Figures, Irresponsibly Vague Character Assassin Cowherd is actually slightly more tolerable than Dumping on a Guy He Forgets is Dead Cowherd:

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… or Being Dead Wrong About Every Single Opinion He Utters Cowherd:

But still, this is a weaselly move, even for him. I mean, at least when a gossip column smears someone with innuendo, they have the common decency to not name names. "Which Manhattan socialite was seen at an Upper West Side eatery breaking bread and hearts with her young boytoy while her real estate mogul husband was away on business?" and so on. Attaching a man's name to some alleged offense and not having the integrity to state your case is worse than just gossiping. 

It's a pussy move. 

Even if you just say this to some drunk at a bar, it's a pussy move. Saying in on TV in front of your minimal audience of shut ins and people in the doctor's waiting room who don't know how to change the channel is the worst kind of smear, because there's no way for Mac Jones to defend himself. What's he supposed to say when he's asked about it? "I categorically deny these slanderous allegations. I've never done stuff that is not good. And anyone who says I've done stuff that isn't great is a liar."  

Imagine if the court system worked like this. "Your honor, the state is charging the defendant Colin Cowherd of doing some really awful, nasty, depraved, degenerate, perverted and heinous stuff. We're not saying what it is quite yet. But boy, oh boy, when you find out, are you going to be disgusted and want him thrown in a pit and left to die. I shudder just thinking about how sick this lowlife is …" 

But OK, if Cowherd wants to dance, let's dance. Since he's left it so vague and wide open that it could be literally anything, let's run through the range of possibilities. The "not good" "stuff" he's hearing could involve Mac Jones:

--Trying to sabotage the One Bite Pizza Fest.

--Losing all four Ryder Cup morning matches to Team Europe.

--Pulling off the 1,000 year old mummified alien corpse hoax.

--Losing Mookie Betts to the Dodgers.

--Inviting that geriatric Nazi to the Canadian Parliament.

--Being the one who's really dating Taylor Swift.

--Leaking Covid-19 out of a virology lab.

--Casting all those simps on this season of Survivor.

--Getting his head snapped back 90 degrees on a facemask, getting thrown to the ground not once, not twice, but three times, none of which drew flags, only to get accused of nut-tapping Sauce Gardner in the one part of the play that doesn't show up on the film:

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--Framing Roger Rabbit.

--Refusing to release the JFK assassination files. 

--Having his all-important second season derailed through the total inability of Matt Patricia and Joe Judge to create and operate an NFL offensive system. 

--Hating on the beloved, classic, 1937 version of Snow White just to try and score social credit points.

--Consistently being the first one on the practice field and the last one off, and encouraging his teammates to put in all the extra effort necessary to get this team back to the playoffs. 

--Being the Zodiac Killer.

--Unethically throwing out cryptic, ambiguous aspersions against another person's character on TV, rather than say nothing if he lacks the courage and integrity to come right out and say what he has to say, like a fucking man.

OK, maybe not that last one. Mac Jones would have to be a real piece of shit to pull a stunt like that.