CAUGHT: Escaped Convicted Murderer In Philly Suburbs Is Apprehend After 14 Days On The Run...In An Eagles Sweatshirt
PHINALLY.
It's been a full fortnite since this literal psychopath went full Jason Borne and escaped from custody:
He then dicked around the police and the population for over a week just miles from the prison:
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It's cool tho. The authorities casually assured the people of the Philly Suburbs he was boxed in around Longwood Gardens and wouldn't make it out of their perimeter. Until he did. With a stolen white windowless van.
After 12 days, the murderer waltzed into a garage and encountered a "Good Guy With A Gun". Game over, right? NOPE. Not when the homeowner goes full Harry Dunn and goes 0-7 on shots at the fugitive.
And the cutest part is the responsible gun owner even left a loaded firearm in the garage that Calvalcante was able to escape with to become truly armed and dangerous.
The murderer then became the first warm blooded animal in history to somehow successfully evade a thermal heli.
HOW DID YOU NOT CATCH HIM THEN?!?!?! Escape from that just doesn't happen. At least outside of GTA.
But alas, the psychopath's extreme batshit luck combined with the authorities complete incompetence ran dry as of this morning. We got him.
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Thank God. Time to send this convicted killer thru the prison and straight to hell. Now we can finally get back to reality.
Go Birds.
PS - Really?!?!?! Maybe if they caught the escaped convicted murderer who had ZERO resources up to 48 hours after the escape, OK. I can see it. But after 14+ days this reeks of being down a 50 burger and doing a celebratory team photo in the endzone after a pick 6. Just hand the ball off to the ref and move on.