Ageless Wonder Bryan Johnson's Penis Injections Have Increased His Urination Speed & Ejaculation Volume

I've been on the Bryan Johnson beat since the beginning of this year. And by "on the Bryan Johnson beat" I mean I wrote one blog about him back in January.

In short, this smooth man has set out to "reverse the aging process". I'm not sure if he understands what the definition of "reverse" is. Unless he can turn back time, or Benjamin Buttonize himself, he's still increasing in age. That's just how time works. But bottom line is Bryan Johnson is a multi-millionaire who spends all of his time and money doing crazy health stuff in an effort to live forever. 

As ironic as it would be, I am not cheering for Bryan Johnson to get Liz Gonzalesed by a city bus. Sure, if he were a character in a movie, that would be pretty funny. But Bryan Johnson is a real person who wants to live forever. He has feelings just like me and you. If he were trampled by a 40,000 pound vehicle on his walk to the vitamin store after spending his whole life living a hellish existence because he's terrified of dying, that would be tragic, and not hilarious at all. 

Personally, I hope Bryan Johnson breaks the age record. I hope he lives forever. I'm rooting for the guy. And I'm rooting for him even more so ever since I stumbled upon his penis tweet yesterday evening. Here it is again for good measure.

A man undergoing a penis procedure in hopes of maximizing his urination speed is quite possibly the most "dudes rock" thing I've ever heard in my life. Who among us doesn't with they could urinate with the force of a fire hose to impress the boys. To be able to stand yards away from the toilet and strike center bowl with precision accuracy. That is peak masculinity. But Bryan has plans to do more than simply "pee from far away". I did a little digging through his tweets, and if I'm understanding this captionless graphic correctly, I think he aims to piss in reverse??

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That my friends is a man with ambition. Just imagine, it's halftime of the big game and you have to take a leak. You get in line for the men's restroom. There's dudes everywhere. You wait patiently while all the other pee-ers stand pathetically close to the urinals so their weak little baby streams can reach. Then when it's finally your turn, instead of walking to the urinal, you face the opposite direction. You pull out your penis. Everyone is shocked. Not only because you're exposing yourself to the public, but also because of how awesome your penis is due to the recent injections. People start freaking out. 

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" 

"OMG RUN HE'S GOING TO PEE ON US!!!" 

"WOW WHAT A GREAT PENIS!!" 

Then all of the sudden you get hard (that's the only possible way you could pull this move off). But instead of going Louis C.K. on a bathroom full of Chiefs fans, you unleash the most fantastic stream the world has ever seen. Your urination speed is so fast that it defies the laws of physics and makes a beautiful loopty loop piss fountain up and over top of your head, and smack dab into the middle of the urinal 20 feet behind you. The crowd goes fucking wild. Men are barking like dogs. It's high fives all around. You are the fucking man.

I'm not sure what his actual plan is, but based on his graphic I can only assume he's going to do something of that nature. On top of that, he's going to make a special woman (or man, or they) very very lucky in the bedroom. On top maximizing his piss power, the Alprostadil that's been injected into his cock will lengthen the duration of his erection, and more importantly, increase his ejaculation volume. He's already up to 3.0mL of cum per load, which is over double the amount of average male load levels.

What a legend. Bryan Johnson is going to be painting the backwalls well into the 22nd, if not 23rd century. If he keeps on reversing the aging process, and avoids walking in front of busses, he'll be negative years old by the year 2100. 

I'm becoming fascinated with him. I've been enjoying his tweets immensely. I don't know what half of this shit means, but I really think we should hear him out. Especially when it comes to politics.

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A 33% Earth congress can't be any worse than what we got going on now. Bryan Johnson is a great man. A man of ideas. A man who dreams of immortality. But most importantly, a man with a FANTASTIC penis.