An American who probably said, "Thank God for 9/11."

Large9/12/2023 7:00 PM

I was kind of skulking around all day yesterday, when I came across a historical tidbit I wanted to share.

Does anyone remember the name Gary Condit?

STEPHEN JAFFE. Getty Images.

I'm guessing the answer is "No" for most of you, and that's exactly what Gary wants.

Here's why I am writing a blog about him… I am fascinated with headlines that get forgotten by other MONSTER headlines that drop simultaneously. For example: I went for YEARS thinking both Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon were still alive because they had the misfortune of dying on the same day… June 25th, 2009.

Farrah and Ed were both HUGE parts of my childhood. I watched The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and Ed nearly every night as a child, and I masturbated multiple times a night to a poster that hung in my room showing FF in a one-piece red swimsuit with pronounced nipples.

That iconic swimsuit launched more loads than a fleet of Maytag washers, so it eventually wound up in the Smithsonian where Asian tourists are beating off to it in the museum's bathroom as we speak.

KAREN BLEIER. Getty Images.

("That's the loveliest smile I ever came across.")

But back to the June 25th, 2009 connection… My mother used to always say, "Death comes in threes." And on that fateful day, 14 years ago, a third celebrity did pass away.

And regrettably for Ed and Farrah, that third celeb was Michael Jackson.

Michal Czerwonka. Getty Images.

So Farrah and Ed got pushed to the back page of all the major newspapers while the front page showed countless pictures of people mourning the death of a man who may-or-may-not have enjoyed looking at childrens' assholes.

And there have been other examples of this all through history… CS Lewis was a pretty big deal back when people read books. He wrote The Chronicles of Narnia (among other things) and was a contemporary of Tolkien. But Lewis woefully died on November 22nd, 1963, at the age of 64… The same day a handsome politician from Brookline, MA decided it was so nice outside in Dallas that they should leave the top down.

Bettmann. Getty Images.

Now, did CS Lewis have the celebrity following (or nipples) of Farrah Fawcett?… Of course not. But he was a pretty big deal whose death was swept under the rug by the murder of an even bigger deal.

England's most famous writer, William Shakespeare, and Spain's most famous writer, Miguel de Cervantes (Don Quixote), both died on April 23rd, 1616.

Mother Teresa died within a few days of Princess Diana, and Elton John later admitted he was just "too exhausted" to write songs commemorating both, so only Di got the "Candle In The Wind" remix.

Similar to this, in 2001, Gary Condit was a sitting member of the House of Representatives representing California's 18th congressional district… A position he held since 1989. He was involved in a shitload of legislation but was best remembered early in his career as the man who in 1998, during the Monica Lewinsky scandal, publicly demanded that Clinton "come clean" on his relationship with the young woman.

Getty Images. Getty Images.

That well-publicized demand came back to bite him in the ass in 2001 when Condit became the subject of national news coverage after the disappearance of Chandra Levy, a young woman working as a Washington, D.C. intern, originally from Condit's district.

Technically, he was never labeled as a "suspect", but police questioned Condit multiple times, and each time Gary denied having an extramarital affair with Levy.

However, Levy's aunt eventually went public with conversations she had with her niece about her relationship with Condit, so police questioned him a final time, and Gary finally confessed to the extra-marital affair he had with the missing girl… When the affair began, Condit was 53 and Chandra Levy was only 23.

So you can imagine the press was having a FIELD DAY in 2001 with the story of a vocal pro-family Democratic US Representative who put Clinton's feet to the fire for fucking someone who wasn't his miserable wife when he was fucking someone who wasn't his wife AND the person Condit was fucking was younger than his own child.

David Hume Kennerly. Getty Images.

(This is a shot from one of the many anti-Condit demonstrations that occurred in August of '01.)

But, unlike Clinton, the object of Condit's extra-marital activities wasn't able to eventually wind up on Barbara Walters talking about stained dresses and shoved cigars because Chandra Levy's remains were instead found in a secluded area of Rock Creek Park in Washington D.C., and her death was declared a homicide.

From a news perspective, this was juicy shit for the media covering the story. But similar to reporters who may have begun working on obituaries for Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Mother Teresa, and/or CS Lewis, the 2001 media universally turned their attention away from Condit on September 11th, 2001 at 8:46 AM, when American Airlines Flight 11 flew into the North Tower.

Lucky break for Gary Condit… Horrific tragedy for thousands of others.

It's important for me to point out that although at least one other affair between Gary and this time a flight attendant was unearthed during the investigation, Condit was NEVER prosecuted for ANY crimes surrounding the abduction and murder of Chandra Levy. He did, however, lose the Democratic primary election in March 2002, and left Congress at the end of his term in January 2003.

I really don't care what he's been up to since, but I did want you all to know Gary's name the next time an unfortunate headline becomes extremely fortunate for someone looking to exit the public eye.

And since I am jonesing to teach even more history, I will close on this kind-of-related historical tidbit…

On July 4th, 1826, both John Adams and Thomas Jefferson… the second and third presidents of the United States… died within hours of each other on our most patriotic holiday exactly 50 years after the Declaration of Independence was signed.