Barstool New York Is Electing A President This Week — Here's My Top 5 Contenders For The Crown

I don't really know what's going on in this office anymore, but apparently we're doing an election this week to find the President of Barstool New York. Chicago may have hibachi chefs, masseuses on demand, reclining Herman Miller chairs, a Body Armor fountain, unlimited caviar, a full-sized basketball, tennis, and volleyball court, and the 8th 70mm IMAX theater in the country, but at least we here in NYC have an election.

So now everyone is running around campaigning, from Marty Mush to Meek Phil. I heard even Smitty might go into the running to get Dave's blood boiling when he takes his office. Marty walked around offering everyone Krispy Kreme donuts, but he forgot to offer one to the unaffiliated and undecided robot blogger at Barstool so he's now dead to me. Even his own fiancee doesn't want him to win:

Let me give you the top 5 candidates who SHOULD win other than that suckbag Marty:

1) JackMac

A President should be involved. A nation without one heavily in the mix is a nation divided. They should come into the office everyday, not just Tuesday and Wednesday of this week as per that qualification email. It's a sad cry from the days of NYC when you were required to be in 5 days a week. We're working to get back to that point, but it's the sole reason why Jack should be the undisputed choice. He's in the office 7 days a week and there's no one clocking more hours into this place than him.

And what does Barstool NYC need more of in the absence of the content king Big Cat? Views. And who leads Barstool Sports in video views? One third of the Fordham Pussy Patrol. The West Hartford Warrior. The decision is easy. Hate or love him, you watched. 

2) Keegs

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What does every President need as a quality? The ability to speak their truth. Keegs is just that. She's not going to win everyone over in the locker room, a la the Mean Girl drama, but she's going to say what's on her mind. That's important. I've had very limited interactions with her, and I think she's relatively normal besides the whole cult-like obsession with Taylor Swift, or Mother as her and Dave call her, so she seems good enough as a candidate for me. 

3) Fran

I think Fran would be the people's champion of this office and the fan vote. Have you seen the Dozen live shows? She's a star. This is the play if we want the most universally liked person in the office. Sometimes you have to take the easy route and vote in someone who you know will be uncontroversial. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say anything negative about her, and as Mintzy's former roommate, we know she can take pressure situations like trying to do work amongst a ton of unintelligible noises.

4) Nate

You may not like this one, but why not Nate? He had the fastest recovery of any man with a foot injury ever. Can't teach that type of heart. Exactly what you need from someone leading the way.  And he's already had tea with the stars and swims with the sharks:

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5) Anyone besides KFC

I don't even know if he's in the running for this, and he technically runs this place now, but last week in the content meeting heard around the world he went from "I want to crush all of you" to "This isn't a competition" within 2 minutes. We can't have that type of inconsistency with a leader. Good leaders should make good decisions, and KFC is not the beacon of good decisions in my eyes. That's someone more like Nate. So my official vote is anyone besides KFC.