New Travel Hack

Large8/07/2023 7:20 PM

SergeyVButorin. Getty Images.

I've written before about my affinity for airport Family Restrooms…

But since I am traveling so much lately, I have been honing my road dump routine into a fine-edged sword, so I thought I might share my latest air-travel-trick-of-the-trade.

So… I am still using Family Restrooms… That'll never change. Every time I turn on the news or open social media, I see footage of people breaking laws with little-to-no punishment, and, quite frankly, I want in with all you filthy felons. But since my parents raised me just "right" enough that I won't round up a posse of middle-aged dads and loot the local CVS, I will continue to defecate in spaces dedicated to people dumb enough to bring children into this God-forsaken world AND I will continue to sneak outside snacks into movie theatres.

And since my conscience is clear, the only drawback to my crimes is dealing with repercussions from my mom or the police.

For example: What will I do if a theatre employee catches me going down on an Italian hero like a $2 whore during the noon showing of Oppenheimer on a Tuesday?

I don't know the answer to that because it hasn't happened… Yet. Security in movie theatres is criminally lax. Nearly non-existent, to be honest. Plus, I have a strict rule against smuggling in fragrant foods to shows, so as to not spur a nearby movie-goer to alert the ushers of my silent buffet.

I've concluded that as long as I go to the theatre at times that are not busy, and I keep the smell to a minimum, my risk of getting nabbed is minimal.

Another potential snag: What do I do if I am confronted by someone who takes umbrage with me using the Family Bathroom at the airport?

When I leave the bathroom, I leave myself in a position where I can easily be caught brown-handed by airport security or actual families looking to shit as a group.

I know this to be true because there was a man in his thirties with an infant and toddler impatiently waiting outside of the Family Bathroom door I was using at Newark Airport a few weeks ago. When I opened the door to exit, I watched him as he surveyed me with disgust as he realized 2 things:

I was alone.
And I had no visible handicaps.

So he looked me directly in the eye with a glare that screamed, "What the fuck, man?" as he juggled two kids.

Instead of lowering my head and shuffling past him like a true coward, I decided to be a man. So I walked directly over to the gentleman and in the most honest voice I could muster, I said, "Sorry, brother, but I was emptying a bag." and pointed to my left side.

For those who don't know, sometimes guys that look like me are fitted with something called a colostomy bag. A colostomy is a procedure needed if you cannot pass stools through your anus. This could be the result of an illness, injury, or problem with your digestive system.

I pointed to my left side because everyone with a diet similar to mine knows a descending colostomy goes on the lower left side of the abdomen, while a sigmoid colostomy… the most common type… is placed a few inches lower.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I don't have a colostomy.

But I know all about them because an options trader I worked with at ICAP had one put in after he had an operation that removed part of his colon. In order to hide the bag, he had to wear loose un-tucked shirts to work every day while everyone else was in tailored suits.

This gentleman gave me a compliment once that I know I will never hear again… While wearing the bag, he was reading a blog I wrote for takeareport.com. Apparently, it was funny because he told me that while reading it he laughed so hard, he "shit his shirt."

Now, I know there are much wittier writers than me here at Barstool, but I also know none of them have caused/will cause a buddy to shit their shirt, so I will always have that.

Back to the airport… Luckily, the fella with the kids was also familiar with colostomies and immediately understood what I meant by, "I was emptying a bag."

He whispered back to me, "That's cool, man… Have a good flight." and entered the toilet I just DESTROYED with his two little angels.

So here's the lesson for the day- When in doubt, pretend you shit into a bag.

Unless it's a stewardess who catches you… In which case, you can always tell her to kiss your ass…